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Master cheif is da man!!!!
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 2:37 pm    Post subject: Master cheif is da man!!!! Reply with quote

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Master cheif is da man!!!!
Posted by White boy loves rap
1 December 2004, 7:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=white_boy_lo.1201040734521.html
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There's a famous line by a commentator here at HBO; how does it go again? Oh yeah, I remember now:

"Ummm, no."

Your attempt at comedy was comical, so in other words, yes it was funny. Was it supposed to be? I think so...

There were a lot of mistakes, spelling is the big one. Grammer & Puctuation were running a close second and third. You really need to proof-read a lot more.

Do not take this too hard; take it well. Learn from it and improve next time. If MCC gets around to it, he'll give you a more detailed comment about what you should work on.

-Russ
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This story could have done with a lot less of you patting yourself on the back. How many times are you going to cut into your own story to tell everyone how much they'll like it and how good it was?

Some advice: next time don't waste any time giving yourself rave reviews. If the fic is good you won't have to try and convince us, we will tell you that it's good. There are guys on here that have written dozens of excellent fics and NONE of them take the time to remind us how good they are. If you are going to stick around, you might want to remember that.

C.T. Clown
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

"Ummmmm, no"

It wasn't funny. I kinda thought I was stupid. You definially needed Code in there.
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

russ687 wrote:
There's a famous line by a commentator here at HBO; how does it go again? Oh yeah, I remember now:

"Ummm, no."


You know, that was actually me using a different name...ah, the good ol' days when we could switch names...


But yeah. Sorry to burst your bubble, and I really hope you don't take this the wrong way, but stop telling us how great you are. The biggest thing I noticed was how you played Chief out to look like a pimp. There are several things wrong with this.

1. The Chief is a literal career soldier. He has grown up his entire life in the military. He knows what is important and what is not. He does not consider intimacy (among other things) among the tops of his "Important" list.

2. Cortana is a friggen foot-tall hologram. She cannot "reward John in bed."

3. The pilot winked at John. So what?

This Story wrote:
Master Chief got away and wondered what he would do next, so he took of his helmet and by surprise by everyone he was black.


I consider that to be racist. One of my best friends is black. Don't ever make a comment like that again.

This Story wrote:
The pilot dodged the attack before turning around and fioring a nuke at the ship. It blew up in a big explosion but the Pelican survived because of the metal it is made of.


1. Pelicans do not carry nukes.

2. What type of Covenant ship was it? If it was a Seraph, the Pelican could just open up with its 70mm chin gun and its Anvil-II missiles. If it was a Capital Ship, a nuke would not destroy it.

3. No metal can withstand a direct blast from a nuke.

Come on. A grenade blew up at the Chief's feet. How? You can't just suddenly say "A grenade blew up at the chief's feet and killed all the marines that had just rescued him.

Please do not incorporate forumspeak into stories. Words such as 'pwn' should be avoided. Also avoid sexual terms like what you called the ODSTs. I'm sure Helljumper's gonna give you enough grief for that.

I'm too lazy to point out every other thing that you had wrong, so I'll just leave that to MCC. For now I have this to say:

Unless you are absolutely positive that your story is good, don't go on and keep on interrupting the story because you want to tell us how great you are. In fact, even if you are absolutely, positively, 120% sure, don't even do it then. It takes away from the reading experience. Trust me, leave it to the critics to tell you whether or not you're great.
And you're friends might have told you that your story was good, but you're playin' with the 1337 Fanboys now. We do not let small errors such as those that your friends might ignore slip through our fingers. We had a similar circumstance a few updates ago, in which a writer (who shall remain anonymous) had posted his story on HBO because his friends said it was good. We commented on it, he took it the wrong way, and now we're most likely never gonna see him again. I hope this doesn't turn out to be a similar circumstance. Life is not fair. I...we hope you will keep on writing and keep on improving. You can only get better.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Wow. I'm sorry that sucked. Sorry. I'm confused, whats 1337? Is CS Counter Strike?
--Grammar was horrible. When 'you said-Well down cheif said cortana mission acomplished", your bad grammar made it sound like someone completely different than the John or Cortana say something like-"The Well-Down-Chief said that the Cortana Mission was accomplished.
--"When we get back I will update you all to sargents" No! Wrong, wrong WRONG!!! He wouldn't update them all to sargents. He would RECOMMEND them all for PROMOTION to SERGEANTS!!! I'm sorry, it just really irritates me when people say sargent and,not sergeant, or lutenate, not lieutenant, or curnal, not colonel. I find it hard to believe that out of all the, ehem, 'lots' of marines that ran down the hill they were all conveniently corporals. Also whats an orbital drop super trooper? They sound fruity. I would never send those freaks into battle. I'd send in the real ODSTs, the Orbital Drop SHOCK Troopers, not some whiny-ass babies who cry if they don't kill their fair share.
--I hated the part when he 'snaped' the elites head 'of'. I don't really know what it's called in karate, but in Taekwondo we call it Flying Side-Kick. For all we know, that 'fly kick' could have been a front kick, a side kick, spin crecent, round kick, ax kick(that dosen't sound to good), or a 360. Some one correct me if I missed any.
--You didn't proof read it?! That's where a friggin lot of mistakes come from.
--When you read the comments, don't you DARE say, 'I couldn't do any better, I'm on'y 15!!' I'm 14, ok, and NICK KANG, didn't you say you were 13? Plus, they're not in the year 2500. Its 2552. If you want to give off a certain time period, like I think you were trying to do, I would have said 2550 at least.
--This was terrible. You should try harder. And remember, nobody wants to listen to a Gangster-wannabe. Correct your speach pattern, please. Who else remembers that one guy, uh, Gangsta-Pimp-Daddy, I think. He was a dick.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Son of a bitch, 5 minutes apart from Nick. Cool, ironic, funny. Cool because of how rare that is, funny because I'm a weirdo psyco, and ironic because I was hoping post before you did, that way you'd answer my question.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes. I am 13. Since September.

And 1337 is what I like to call 'Forum-Lexic.' It's when you replace the letters with numbers that look like the letters. 1337=leet, as in E-leet, as in Elite.

And Mari brought up a good point. You do not 'upgrade' ranks. You promote them.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Actually, its Marl, with an L. Ah, well, I get that all the time on XBox live. My name is Devicehigh, my friends call me Device, and idiots(plus one frient I allow) calls me Devinchie, or Devinchiehigh. Its actually kinda funny.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

All right. There is only one way to show you all the mistakes that you made. I will show you what went wrong sentence by sentence. I will write each sentence exactly the way you did. Spelling, punctuation, and grammar mistakes are in red. Story and detail mistakes are in blue. Character mistakes are in yellow. Things that are just plain wrong are in green. I don't know if you even know if this place exists but I'm going to post anyways. I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings in this but it has to be done.

Sup folks..,. some friends of mind, said my stories were 1337 and I thought I would share them with you.

-How very nice of you. But however, in just this first sentence, you made four mistakes. I think that's a record. At

This one is called Master Chief is the man.

-You need to underline your story's name, or at least put it in quotation marks.

hopefully u will like my story cause everyone has been saying it's unique.

-NO "EASY TYPING"!!! That means no "u", "thx", "hav", "lol", or anything else of that nature. Also, when you say "cause" you need to put an apostrophe in front of it. Like so: "'cause". If it's too hard for you to do that then just spell out "because". Oh yeah, when someone says your story is unique it's probably just a polite way of saying it sucks.

Later homies.

-Do not call me your "homie" again or I will strangle you.

Master Chief ran down the hill, with his gun... before he saw a grunt.

-So far so good. Only one mistake. Wait, you forgot to tell us what type of gun it is. -20 points. And you're missing a ton of detail. I could probably stretch this sentence out into a half a paragraph if I wanted to, and Dave Luck could probably make it into half your story. ADD MORE DETAIL!

THe grunt saw him and fired his plasma rifle.

-First off, whenever you mention a Covenant creature, you always refer to it as an "it". Not a "he". Not a "she". The gender of a member of the Covenant is always anonamous unless you are telling your story from the point of view of one. Plus, always capitalize the first letter of the name of a Covenant creature. You know, I'm starting to believe that you've never played the game before. Please excuse any profanity used in my up coming outburst. Ahem. YOU FREAKIN' DUMBASS!!! GRUNTS CARRY PLASMA PISTOLS AND NEEDLERS!!! NOT PLASMA RIFLES!!! GAAAAH!! DIE! Ok, I'm done. And - like I said before - add more detail.

The chief jumped backwards and fired of his gun which hit the grunt in the head.

-You still haven't told us what the Chief's gun is yet. And there is still no detail.

It died.

-Here is how I rewrote that sentence.

-"The Grunt's head snapped back as the .50 round impacted into its skull. It stayed on its feet for about a second longer. Then it slowly fell to the ground like a jointed tree untill it lay in the grass twitching slightly."

-Much better isn't it? That's because I included detail. Detail is a very important part of the story. It lets your readers understand what's going on. Without it, your story whithers and dies after the first couple of paragraphs. People won't want to read your story if there is no detail. Do you get the point yet? You'd better.

Masterchief went to the grunt and kicked it, and laughed.

-Way out of character. The Master Chief does not gloat over his enemies.


Look, I'm not going to bother with the rest of this story. There's just too much wrong with it. You had no plot, no detail, your characters were way off, your action had no action- I think that this is - without doubt - the worst fan fic ever. I'm sure most people would agree with me. At least listen to MC's Cousin, Dave Luck, Nick Kang, and Russ687.
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

--Man, Fan...natic, you really went out of your way with only the first couple of sentences. But . . . The Grunts do carry Plasma Rifles, just not in the game, though I doubt he's read the books.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, listen to this.

I'll spare you the abortion joke, but I'll say this.

If you ever, ever, ever want people to say, "That was great! I look forward to the next series!" Then read on.

You have the courage to place something up here. That's the first teeny tiny step, but it's really not much. Lots of people place stuff up here that amounts to nothing.

But, like Chuckles has said, don't rate your story before others do, or be prepared for a nasty bunch of hateful comments or flames.

Before you go any further, go back to English Class. Learn proper grammar and how to use proper words. Your overly colloquial diction is quite insufficent to write anything. Naturally, if you wish to get better, I cannot help you from where you stand. You're going to need to go to your English teacher, and start from the very first, very simple sentences. You haven't mastered the prerequisites.

Have you ever seen that famous movie? "The Karate Kid?" No? Yes? Well, if you haven't seen it, I suggest you rent it and take a very good look. I'll describe it to you if you don't want to watch it now.


A little boy gets routinely beaten up. So, he goes to this old man who knows martial arts. The old man sets him to work. The boy's first task is to polish a bunch of cars. Then he must sand a deck. Then he must paint the Sensei (Teacher's) house and fence.

Eventually, sick and tired of the work, the boy confronts the teacher. But what little Grasshopper missed was deceptively simple: Wise old Sensei was teaching the boy the motions through the hard work. The circular motions from washing the cars became blocking movements. The back-and-forth movements of painting the house and the up-and-down movements of painting the fence became striking motions.



Now, I know the prerequisites may seem boring, old, and such, but from what you've demonstrated, you don't know them at all. If you don't want to learn these from me, go to a teacher. Print your story out and take it to a teacher.


Learn how to write like this:

"Mr. Johnson has a lawnmower."

"The car needs gasoline to run."


Before you try to write like this.

"Mr. Johnson waved to his family as he drove the car out of the driveway, turning onto the main road to work."


You're quite behind on this. I'm going to clamp down on you, just like a teacher would.


Internet language is not to be heard anywhere on this site. Anywhere. There isn't any big sign that says, "DON'T USE THESE WORDS!!" but we're going to act as if there was a sign that said so. Using these shortforms in a story is like breaking a constitutional charter. Don't use them. Forget them entirely.



Go back to English Class. Work. Push yourself beyond your comfort zone. You can type, now you must learn.

I suggest you read "Tales From Master Chef's Bar and Grill," The series I'm currently working on. Otherwise, read some fiction by the other regulars here.


- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 12:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whew! Now those are what I call comments!!! Ye-haw!

Man, too much to read for one story review. But, I'm here. I feel late but it has only been one day. Ug.
Some of the stuff I say will just be repetition, but, that is good for you.

By the way. Rap=crap-"c". I hope you know that.

Anyway. On to the story!
Here, take this pin. With it, you will pop your self inflated ego bubble. We have very high standards here. We look for good writing, and if it isn't good (no we don't spit at you), we post a comment full of helpful suggestions for you to impliment. So, don't automatically assume that your story will be 1337 (I'm gonna start calling myself that, lol), you have to work up to that status.
Whoa whoa whoa, hold it, slow down, stop! That was going by way to fast. Slow things down. We need to be able to get into a story before we can start to appreciate it. Don't have it speeding by so that we can't catch it.
Add details in there so that things are described and interesting. Never ever say "it died." That is not good at all. Describe how it died, what happend before it died. Why? Well, you might know every thing about your story; you might be able to see it all in your mind as your put it on digital paper. However, we can't. We here do not share a telepathic connection to your mind. Thus, we cannot instantly get a mental image off of your writing. It is your job to give it to us.
Describe characters and environments, go into personalities and settings, get a mood going and make us feel like we are there. To do this, however, you must get that detail thing down. Here is the classic phrase:
"Show us your story (action, details, etc.), do not simply tell us."

Now onto formatting. Formatting a story is extremely important. It makes things easier to read, and makes things look better, and it is just great practice to becoming diciplined.
Formatting includes coding, structure, and that kind of stuff. I'll start with coding.
Yes, the all powerful Code. Learn it, use it, love it, spread it. What does the Code do? It let's you add text effects such as italics, bold, and underline; also, it let's you insert horisontal rules to help with transitions and put in indents at the beginning of your paragraphs. Indents are actually the most important feature for a writer of your status. They help bring out paragraphs; making it easier to tell where a new one begins.
Now for structure. Structure is how you make your paragraphs and sentenses look. It includes using proper punctuation and using bodies of text in the correct fashion. Just read some good authors or good stories around here to learn how to do that. It comes, for the most part, with practice.

Ever heard of personalities? They are what make a person act as they do. It is what kind of a person they are, essentially. You need to learn how to use them well.
Certainly when dealing with a character (or more than one) that we are all familiar with. Such as Master Chief Petty Officer John-Spartan-117. We know who he is and how he acts in most situations. We have developed this standard in our minds from playing the games and reading the books. You need to use his set personality when writing about him. if you don't, people will not buy into the character, thinking him unbelievable.
All of us here have a high respect for MC and all of his friends. So, treat them and their personalities with respect.

Here's a few general tips. Spell out numbers; it looks and flows better. Always capitalize proper nouns; this includes species and vehicles and most weapons (designations, at least).
Work on your spelling and grammar, too. Spelling and grammar are very important for a story. When you do it right, it shows us that you have looked over your story to notice them, care about that sort of thing, or just are good with it in the first place. But, when we see a story lacking of proper spelling and grammar, we see that you didn't take the time to correct it or look for those simple mistakes.
To fix those kinds of small things, you can do a very simple thing: proofread. Proofreading is basically reading over your own story and looking for mistakes. Once you find them, you need to correct them. Proofreading needs to be done many times before most mistakes are gone. Another good thing to consider doing would be to have a friend or two proofread a story. Have them fix the common mistakes and just tell you what they think of it overall; and tell them to be honest.

Plot. You need a good plot. Plot os your story line. You may not think it important, but, believe me on this, it is. It is what brings meaning to your story. Without a plot, your story has no purpose. I has no end because it had no real beginning. Learn to develop your plot and make sure you have every possible story-related detail down before you even start to write.
Come up with something original, too. Having the Chief fight through stuff is not very interesting. We have all seen it before many times, and so don't reall want to see it many more. Thus, you need to really think about an original and interesting storyline that people have not encountered in the past and so want to experience.

Please don't inlude authors notes like that in the middle of your story. You are trying to get us to get into your story. That kind of thing interupts what we are reading and makes us scoff at the unbelievability of it.


Overall, you need a lot of improvement. Work hard to make stuff better; but first you must admit that you need to get better. Just take up all of our advice and use as much of it as you can. Then, you next one will be better. Have fun; and good luck.
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 12:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, I just finished reading the new comments here and I decided to finish reading the story since before I stopped after the part about the pilot, Cortana, and the MC. One of your post scripts stood out at me.

"im sure mine is just as good as the others."

What is this guy's email address, because I am going to email him and tell him straight out what I think of him. Then I will tell him this place exists, force him to read each and every comment here out loud, then rail at him again for another three hours. I'm sorry if I'm flaming but I am in a really pissy mood and this guy is the spark that set off the dynamite. Someone give me his email address now.
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Beep
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Joined: 27 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know I'm new, but that story had so many things wrong with it... it's just not funny.

As Mcbane said on the Simpons-

"My eyes, the googles do nothing."

If you want to improve listen to the wise guys here at the forums and read other stories on the site...
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