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Not So Fireproof

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 4:24 pm    Post subject: Not So Fireproof Reply with quote

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Not So Fireproof
Posted by kabu (will36@gmail.com)
13 October 2008, 4:34 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kabu1013081634361.html
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 5:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A nicely written short story that reminds me of the loading intermission scenes from the Worms games with a little Catch-22 thrown in. Good job.
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 12:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I kind of love this.
None of the heroic deaths people are so keen about putting into their stories. Very stupid, completely normal demises.
The voice of your protagonist is great, and the blackout between the final explosion and the hospital bed was actually plausible. The tone was light but the theme was dark; I really liked it.

I had a minor grip with your line breaks, but I can't help but feel that was intentional. One of the few stories that's short, simple, and effective. One and done. Again, I kind of loved it.
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kabu
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Joined: 18 Oct 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 18, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback. I've written some fiction before, but this is my first stab at Halo stuff.

I tried to make the tone of the story as light as possible after reading some of the other fan fiction here. So I also decided to make the narrator as low as possible in rank and not particularly skilled. I'm thinking of writing more from this characters POV.

I guess the Worms thing was a compliment? (never played the game)
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Sun Oct 19, 2008 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Answering your questions from the Fic Pick, just didn't want to clog that thread.

First off, profanity's fine here, there's no filter in the submission forms. So feel free to use it, none of us are prudes here. Don't do overusing it, though. Unless you've got a particularly vulgar character, that is.

I think you had a good length for this. Short is sweet, especially here. You need it long enough to get your sory across, but short enough to keep the reader's attention, and you found a pretty good balance.

As for continuing with this character, that's entirely your choice. This works great as a standalone, though, and if you're going in a different direction stylistically, I think it might be better to use a new character.

Anyways, congrats. This was quite enjoyable, and I hope you keep posting here. Wink
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent stuff, Kabu. Reminded me just a smidge of Zephyr's Futility, which I highly also highly reccommend, in that it was also basically about the insanity of war. This was a much more humorous take, however. From the deadpan "Oh Darn" at the start to the protagonist's reminder about asking for fireproofing at the end, this story encapsulates the ridiculous nature of war in a succinct, readable, and comedic fashion. There's no reason why everyone here can't read this; it would only take a minute and you'll be glad you did.

Anyway, I thought that the conclusion was particularly pithy - specifically:

Quote:
I could go back to the farm and visit the kids if I had a wife or a farm in the first place and the Covenant hadn't been busy glassing all the farm worlds.


It's a great line, and it makes you laugh ten seconds before you realize how depressing it is.

Great work. Hope to see you around.

- Arthur
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DevilsInject
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
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Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Im going to break away from my normally stoic reveiw demanor and say these 4 words; I HRT'D THIS STORY!?!. Well..

Very well done, and it was LOADS of fun to read. It kind of reminded me of Conker Smile. Congrats 9/10!

-Mike
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 03, 2009 5:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've decided to read your whole series from start to finish Smile

Undoubtedly my favorite thing about this story is the opening:

"Well darn."

Nothing couold more perfectly set the tone for this entire story. Whether or not you meant to, you basically captrued the entire concept of an apathetic attitdue toward inevitable frustration in two words. Brilliant.

And your character is great. You can totally tell that he's used to stupid and terrible things happening to him on a regular basis and how that's affected his attitude.

Your style is light and easy. It might be a little improved if you beef up your choice of words somewhat. That would be my only criticism of you. I guess, then again, keeping it simple is in line with the voice of the character but still...a little more elaborate language would be fine with me.

And I've got 5 more to read so I'll see how you evolve Razz
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