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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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baneofdeath
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Joined: 30 Apr 2008
Posts: 39
Location: If i tell you will you promise not to come to my house and rape me?
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 Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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All in all very good. it was very long and i did find myself skipping over some parts towards the end. there were several minor things that i feel i need to say.
First off you switched alot between saying the Covenant names and then the human names, such as Brute, then Jiralhanae. Not ver important but it is always good to be consistent.
| Quote: | | N'tho held a human shotgun, his favoured weapon |
Generaly Covenant dont use weapons that are not normally associated with them. So, it seems odd that an elite would favor a shotgun over an energy sword. But i guess its possible. That part with the Brute shot making that elite smile was also along the same lines.
| Quote: | | "You are here because we . . . we Sangheili have reclaimed our independence. It has been thousands of years since we worked for ourselves, since we had a hand in our fate, and did not follow the every whim of a Forerunner that were all knowing and all seeing. I will tell you of the Forerunner, brothers, they were like us. Like us, they feared the Flood, like us they made sacrifices, like us they loved their families. This is the way the world ends, my brothers, and we are the harbingers of doom. Onwards!" |
Seemed a little forced to me. Also slightly drawn out.
| Quote: | | Orna used the push of gravity to vault off one of the pillars and he drove the bladed butt of the Brute Shot into the skull of the Chieftain, splattering his armour with blood. |
Seems slightly farfeteched. Although the arbiter was an above average warrior, close range fights with brutes tend to end up with a dead elite. And this was a cheiftan with a gravity hammer.
As i said, just some minor stuff that i felt should be pointed out. most of it was more precautionary then anything else. in other words, i noticed you straying towards doing what i was talking about. |
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kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:31 pm Post subject: |
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| baneofdeath wrote: | First off you switched alot between saying the Covenant names and then the human names, such as Brute, then Jiralhanae. Not ver important but it is always good to be consistent.
| Quote: | | N'tho held a human shotgun, his favoured weapon |
Generaly Covenant dont use weapons that are not normally associated with them. So, it seems odd that an elite would favor a shotgun over an energy sword. But i guess its possible. That part with the Brute shot making that elite smile was also along the same lines. |
In Jilly's defense, both of these are explained earlier that you might have missed. In the former case, the casual terms are used by Covenant almost as insults, and in the latter, that was intended to show the Elite's willingness to join with the humans against the Prophets, IIRC.
I haven't been keeping up with this, unfortunately, and I'm a few behind, so I can't really comment on anything else. I'll get around to them eventually, though. 
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Jillybean
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Joined: 17 Dec 2004
Posts: 299
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| Posted: Thu Oct 16, 2008 7:44 pm Post subject: |
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Yep, Kr's right, the human terms are 'slang', like we would call a marine a 'jarhead'.
And as this is a story about integration, I'm glad you picked up on the shotgun being favoured by N'tho.
As for the 'hero' moment - this story has followed Orna's journey for years (both in our terms and in the story ) and this chapter is one of the climaxes of the story, at least in terms of the Hierarchs. So I felt it was warranted 
I don't like having to defend the story, because it means I've not done my job properly, but in the interests of opening a dialogue, that's how it was meant to come across. |
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baneofdeath
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Joined: 30 Apr 2008
Posts: 39
Location: If i tell you will you promise not to come to my house and rape me?
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| Posted: Fri Oct 17, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
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again, it was mostly me noticing that you were getting close to making those errors, i felt the need to hint at the fact that you were getting close to commiting such an error. I really enjoyed this story, despite its lenght (and my very short attention span.)
based on me not keeping up with the series i realize i hardly have a place to critisize you. But, I have read your work in this past. I just did not want to see you fall into those begining writer's traps after all the great stuff you've posted. Although i must admit. It was satisfying to read the arbiter killing the brute like that. Also, if you guys get the chance to read my latest fanfic, the Ark, then the revised one. I would really like some feedback. They are recent ones.
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