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Limits of Trust

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 2:28 pm    Post subject: Limits of Trust Reply with quote

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Limits of Trust
Posted by Aaron Burgess (gaspartan1138@yahoo.com)
1 October 2008, 2:24 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Aaron_Burges1001080224041.html
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Zephyr
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Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Definitely has potential. However, generally your sentence construction was a little odd. The language was a bit basic, work on that. Your portrayal of the Elites was quite inaccurate; they need to talk formally and with a good deal of embellishment.

There were some very good bits, like this:
Quote:

I have wandered the halls of time


I really liked that line. Interesting story, but also you probably want to flesh out the chapters a lot more. Detail and transition were almost completely absent.
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DevilsInject
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Joined: 04 Oct 2008
Posts: 30
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 2:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good read, and has alot of potential.


I found that the portrayment of the Elites was to.. human. They are a very well spoken, formal race. Try to stick to very "proper" dialoge in future storys where Elites are the main focus.


Also, try to post chapters seperatly. I find if you throw it at the audience in well written, short chapters, it leave critics and reader alike, wanting more.


Mike Twisted Evil
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AtinMando
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Joined: 30 Aug 2008
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PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 12:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm actually surprised that nobody commented on the cliffhanger ending. I didn't think it was as huge as Halo 2's, but it was still pretty steep. Not to worry though, I am working on the 3rd book now, and I can tell everyone that it will make you go like Shocked . But, in all seriousness, I think I could have done better with the wording in the first half. I stopped working on it for awhile and went back to it after an incident with one of the main characters (All of the main characters are my real life friends.) caused me to have to take her out of the story. (Cookie for anyone who can guess who.) But, if anyone wants a sneak peek at the 3rd book, just PM me and I'll give you the first few chapters when I get them done.

Oh, and BTW, I am the author. I am new here, so I didn't know that it would be a different name from my screen name and the author name.
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