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Killing Machine
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 2:36 pm    Post subject: Killing Machine Reply with quote

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Killing Machine
Posted by WONDERLIBERTARIAN (wonderlibertarian@yahoo.com)
30 November 2004, 3:49 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=wonderlibert.1130041549151.html
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I'll start by owning up to it. This one's mine.

The formatting is a little awkward looking, to me at least, is it like that in all of them or did I do sommat wrong in the submission?

In conclusion I like it and consider it interesting, I hope that it doesn't bore you guys too much. My battle scenes tend to be less good than they should be so I tend to acoid them and to focus instead on internal conflicts, which I find easier to describe.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

...
I am at a loss for words. This has got to be one of the best stories I have ever read. Your first story, and you're already worthy of being a Regular. The only thing I have to say is to use the Code.

In its deep poetic nature and wandering thought, this story reminded me of SeverianofUrth's stories...I wonder where he is now?

Words cannot describe correctly.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 1:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, use the Code. It would help out with that formatting problem.
Normally, I would say that you need to write in third person, but, that would have ruined the mood of the story. You seem pretty adept at getting into the personality of the character. Still, I thought that with a bit bore description and explenation, you could have given me a better understanding and emotional connection to your main character.
Also, work up your ability to use setting-details. Give us more than the guy's eye color. Give us a narrative description of what the environment is like; the lighting, the objects, the people. Things that, if we are informed of them, will contribute to a great mental picture.
You had a few run-ons, too.
Also, those transitions were a bit odd. They gave the story an odd feeling that I'm not sure you intened for it to be or not. Work on making that kind of thing flow better. The way it was, it was jumpy, from one place to the next, without warning, and, seemingly, without reason.

Overall, it was very good. It left me with a feeling that something that Solidus wrote would. On a down note, the whole thing seemed; would have been nice to have seen a lighter side. But, still, this is a great start. Keep it up.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great! A newcomer actually taking responsibility for formatting problems. That's a good sign, and you could be the next one to come into our fold.

Hey. You also avoided full out action - that's a good sign. I've seen far too many newcomers push themselves beyond their capabilities and end up with nothing. Your imagination is quite vivid and your description of Magical Realism is quite interesting, leaving you with a very good perspective of what goes on inside.

Repetiton of the name is quite interesting as well.

You're doing quite well.

This is excellent.

- Dave.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you do a reissue with code, you could make the "Fridge Door of Fame" award, one of the most prestigious awards for a Fick writer.

Keep it up.

- Dave.
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 2:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

By the code I presume you mean italics and bolding and so forth, if so then that isn't there because there wasn't really a place for it (I felt). The formatting thing was just that the text is kinda close together and wierd, but that's normal here.

-

Technically it isn't my first story. Yeah, it's the first I've written here but I've written a solid bit of Alternate History and got my start writing Civilization3 fan fiction (at 14).

Normally I do write in third person, but this isn't a third person sorta story, as you noted.

As for emotional connection to the character... I'm not sure that I really wanted to evoke that at all. He's deluded, living in a fantasy world to keep himself from a rather grim reality that he's encountered with. Pitiable perhaps, but that's not a connection. Likeable? Hardly, he himself is rather disgusted with himself (hence his eventual suicide).

I like the transitions, I'm not sure what you don't like about them, I think that the story is intended to be a little shifty and surrealistic (hence the jumpiness) and that might explain the awkwardity.

The lack of a lighter side... heh. I write pretty grim stuff as a general rule. I'll try to submit something a little less grim (I can't promise light, I like light and happy stuff, but I hate my attempts to do light and happy stuff). Maybe, just maybe, I'll have a protagonist who is traditionally victorious.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's quite incredible, I assure you.

Don't forget the indents, though. They're important.

- Dave.
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, the indents, I lost those.

Ahhhh... I undertand the code thing!

Yeah, I got it man, the next story I'll have indents and so forth.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good Luck, and I'll let you know if you make the "Fridge Door of Fame!"

- Dave.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good.

I always said,

"The Code is what separates us from the animals."

Okay, actually that's only the second time I've said it, but you get the idea.
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WONDERLIBERTARIAN
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Luck wrote:
If you do a reissue with code, you could make the "Fridge Door of Fame" award, one of the most prestigious awards for a Fick writer.

Keep it up.

- Dave.


What do you mean by reissue?
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 3:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you recode it and resubmit it, and work out all the little knots in your line (Note the pun!). Once you use code, you're eligible for the "Fridge Door of Fame Award."

Anyway, I'd better get back to work.

- Dave.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 5:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That... was... incredible.

Just code it and all will be well. Looking foward to more of your work.
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 04, 2004 5:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great, great stuff. This is fridge-door material. You can be proud of this story, my friend. It's a fantastic maiden voyage on this, our vast ocean of Halo Fan Fiction!

(Alright Kyle, quit it with the metaphors)

-Kyle Stegerwald
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