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Attack on Installation 06, part 13

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 2:28 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 13 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 13
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
28 September 2008, 12:08 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0928080008411.html
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thedarkfire
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh dear. It seems you made the Chief go crazy.

You definitely could have made this chapter longer. That's about it really.
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
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Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down

PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

thedarkfire wrote:
Oh dear. It seems you made the Chief go crazy.

You definitely could have made this chapter longer. That's about it really.

All will be revealed next time...

Unfortunately, next time won't be for some time, courtesy of an egregiously full schedule. Sad
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Mark25
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another high quality chapter Jake, this time concentrating all its efforts on a single scene. And I wouldn't worry about the shortness of it all, I think that's actually the best way here lately. Readers see that shrinking scroll bar as the page loads up and boom, the red X in the corner marks their exit.
It's not like anyone here can afford to put people off with the size of their work, so short chapters make for a nice and relaxed atmosphere for a fanfic read. Too many epics and not enough readers are not the way to go and I'm glad of the new compact size.

The scene floats along like its blissfully ignorant Monitor, kept on point with very little comedic deviation from teh main goal of the whole chapter.
The descriptive prose delivers a great environment, the character histories are so well used, they appear flush against the obvious canon. And the whole shebang is rounded off with the discovery of everyone's favourite hero, albeit a little grouchy from a lengthy nap. Wink

Jake, I will say this as a counter to my obvious delight at your story:

"Thus saying."

Dude, you really need to get rid of that overly-used phrase, please; it's driving me insane. And don't replace it with 'that said', 'in other words' or 'and so' etc. 'Thus saying' is so fixed and repetitive that it creates a sinkhole and just drains all my imagination.

Quote:
The platoon charged ahead, and came to an abrupt halt forty meters later. The building that Repetant Instigator had halted in front of was squad and angular.


Would that be squat?

Occasionally you put unneccesary explanation into your sentences, like the above highlighted reference.

Quote:
The blue beam once again shot out from the Monitor's eye, and lights flickered across the panel. The stasis unit suddenly hissed, and it split open.


Here's another, if you can't spot it, I'll show you in a pm but I'd rather you picked up on the issue without being shown it. the whole sentence could be rewritten but then that wouldn't be you (and this is your fiction).

Back to the plus... I wish I could articulate a story like this. I think you're going great guns and H-BOffers will happily wait to for the next one.

P.S.:

Quote:
Sir, for fuck's sake, calm down, we're friendlies! It's me, Gunny Stacker!"
It seemed to have worked. The Chief's breathing grew slow and regular, and with a grunt, he hefted himself to his feet. The visor of the MJOLNIR's helmet swivelled, taking in Stacker, Dubbo, Salko, and Repetent Instigator.
The Chief inhaled sharply, unslung his MA5C assault rifle, let out a yell, and opened fire.


I trust this situation can be resolved amicably. Very Happy
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 04, 2008 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice, short read. A little too short, but Mark's right, that's the way to go with such little readership going on here. Interesting twist, and it leaves me wanting to find out what happened for the Chief to end up here, without Cortana.

One nitpicky canon thing. The Chief didn't have an assault rifle in the cryochamber with him. Unless this is a separate Forerunner one, that is.
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