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Raven Squad's Hard Day

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:49 am    Post subject: Raven Squad's Hard Day Reply with quote

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Raven Squad's Hard Day
Posted by Adam Brennan (adambrennan@live.co.uk)
22 September 2008, 3:52 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Adam_Brennan0922081552041.html
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this story had some potential. Where you missed the mark was in grammatical errors and overstereotyping.

What I mean by that is that your action and dialogue don't have anything very fresh or exciting to them. The action is all very simply described, typical actions (it seems you have a thing for grenades especially Razz). There's nothing wrong with having average action like throwing grenades and headshots but use more descriptive words when you do it.

Really, you could use more description everywhere. You need to flesh out your characters more. Don't just tell me so and so is strong fighter. Tell me what they look like and give me a sense of their past. You don't have to say everything they've done since the womb but if you give a sense of what their past is like, people will care more about them and that's very important. Get more inside everyone's heads, too, what they're thinking, how they feel about their situation.

Some more dialogue would help break up the constant stream of action in a good way. I'm not sure what specific suggestions to give you but have your characters talk about something a little more interesting, even if just for a little while. "We're ODSTs and we're badass" type of talk has been used QUITE a lot in many ways before. If that's what the majority of your dialogue is, people get tired of it.

You definitely need to address spelling and grammar as well. I only noticed a few spelling mistakes, and they were easy ones to make, but the grammar is an issue. Here's one example:

Quote:
The rush down the slope to the waiting squad of Grunts led by the tactical Elite, that Cage presumed had engineered this whole thing, from the assassination of Joey to the herding of Raven Squad to their present spot, was going to be hit or miss. Sergeant Adams knew he was going to have to split his squad, Kurl would lead Dougie, Carlos and Jade, the other new members of the squad who still had to prove their worth down among the trees to the right, while he would take Buster and AJ, two battle hardened veterans of dozens of battles, who along with Kurl formed the core of this squad, and flank the left. Kurl's team were to draw the heavy fire form the Grunts, but the trees should offer them some cover. Cage and his team had the unwelcome job of rushing the Elite in the open, they hoped that the ferocity and surprise of their apparently suicidal attack would be enough to overwhelm the Covenant scum, and give them a chance to get a few grenades bouncing among the gravel under the Wraith.


The first sentence has way too many thoughts strung together. It's technically not breaking any rules but it doesn't read well at all. Most of the rest of the sentences do, however, break the rules: you use commas where you need periods. Finally, you have one instance where you use the wrong verb tense.

Here's a cleaned up version of the same paragraph, without changing any of the information and just a few words:

Quote:
A squad of grunts led by the tactical Elite waited at the bottom of the slope. Cage presumed this Elite had engineered all that happened to them, from Joey's assassination to the herding of Raven Squad into their present location. Their rush down the slope to meet this squad would be hit or miss.

Sergeant Adams knew he was going to have to split up his squad. Dougie, Carlos, and Jade, the new squad members yet to prove themselves would be led by Kurl. They would take position in the trees to the right. Adams would take Buster and AJ, battle-hardened veterans who had seen their fair share of combat to flank the left. Kurl's team were to draw the heavy fire but the trees would hopefully offer them some cover. The unwelcome job of rushing the Elite in the open fell to Cage's team. They all hoped the ferocity and surprise of their suicidal attack would be enough to overwhelm the Covenant scum, giving them the chance to get some grenades bouncing under the Wraith.


If you have access to Microsoft Word, run your story through it and watch for the grammar errors it points out. Then look over it yourself for errors like the ones I showed because Word doesn't catch everything.

WHEW. That was long; I sure hope you read this Shocked lol. Like I said before, you have potential. Definitely keep writing and keep this story going, implementing the suggestions I gave.


EDIT: I would very much recommend reading some in the Writing Style guide right here in this forum. The guys there giving tips are good writers with Halo perspective. Check it out:
http://hboff.bungie.org/viewforum.php?f=6
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