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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 26, 2008 11:48 am    Post subject: Futility Reply with quote

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Futility
Posted by Zephyr (henry795@gmail.com)
19 September 2008, 10:15 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zephyr0919082215561.html
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Xvash2
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In general, I enjoyed the story, but I do have a few things to say about it. First, I like how everything builds up to the end, which I certainly didn't see coming. Secondly, the first person narration is effective in telling the story, especially at the end. However, the lack of detailed events in the story and the fact that it jumps from place to place very quickly makes it difficult to convey imagery, something that I found to be a bit lacking until the later parts of the story. I wish the ending had been a bit more detailed, the setting could have been drawn out much more.

One thing I don't like about the character is the apathetic mentality that is carried throughout the story. The core idea of basic training is to breakdown the civilian mentality and create a military mentality. That didn't seem to happen.

Be sure to proofread, I caught a couple of grammatical errors and misspellings.

Overall, I liked the story you had to convey. It was entertaining.
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Zephyr
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Joined: 25 May 2005
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Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Reply with quote
In general, I enjoyed the story, but I do have a few things to say about it. First, I like how everything builds up to the end, which I certainly didn't see coming. Secondly, the first person narration is effective in telling the story, especially at the end. However, the lack of detailed events in the story and the fact that it jumps from place to place very quickly makes it difficult to convey imagery, something that I found to be a bit lacking until the later parts of the story. I wish the ending had been a bit more detailed, the setting could have been drawn out much more.

One thing I don't like about the character is the apathetic mentality that is carried throughout the story. The core idea of basic training is to breakdown the civilian mentality and create a military mentality. That didn't seem to happen.

Be sure to proofread, I caught a couple of grammatical errors and misspellings.

Overall, I liked the story you had to convey. It was entertaining.



Thanks. Yeah, I do need to proofread more; I only did once for this guy.

I started out with a third person narrative, but then when I was about halfway through I decided it would all be better as first-person.

Also, I did kind of screw up with the whole military indoctrination, but I had to have him not caring about his own death, and had I given him a military mindset it would have screwed that up. The lack of detail and imagery was intentional (although perhaps not a good idea). Wink
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baneofdeath
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Joined: 30 Apr 2008
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 11:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That ending was a shocker, and in general i enjoyed the story very much. i felt you did a good job taking us into his mind. As for constructive critisizm, a few places did seem a little rushed, i felt the battle scen coulda been a tiny bit longer, showing a little more about how he overcame his fears more and more. Then you know.... have his face get blown off.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 2:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like Hemingway, only even more depressing.

Time for a quick remonstration: more people need to read this. Stuff like this is the reason we're here.

This was really excellent, Zephyr. I'm genuinely curious - would you cite Hemingway as an influence? Your clipped sentences, the matter of fact yet slightly sardonic delivery of your narrator, your cynical portrayal of war... all strongly evoked Hemingway to me, specifically A Farewell to Arms. Just one of many examples,

Quote:
I sweated profusely. My uniform actually dripped. The sergeant laughed at me. I didn't know why. I didn't know how anyone didn't react to combat the way I did. You could get killed out there.


In any case, this was a really powerful piece. What a poor, disaffected guy. Nothing going for him. With all due respect to my fellow commenters, I believe that is the core point. This is the woeful tale of a guy who was never noticed nor loved by anyone and dies a useless death against an enemy he never sees nor fights seconds after touchdown. No one cared about him while he was alive, no one cared that he died. Thus the double play on the title: the character's every effort was rendered futile as was the reader's effort in reading about a non-life that ends with a jarring abruptness.

Jesus Christ, well that's fucking depressing. Very, very effective. I'm gonna go curl up into a ball now.

- Arthur
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Phædrus
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice, Zephyr. I agree with Arthur's analysis, very depressing. The cynicism was well executed and there was a strong sense of realism. Some of the comments seemed forced--not something someone would actually say--and there were a handful of typos, but overall a very satisfying piece.

Reminds me of Billy Was a Soldier, only you replaced the comedy with tragedy. Wink
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, this piece is quite well-written, but it instantly becomes awesome if you assume that the protagonist is Holden Caulfield.
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haha, Holden. What a guy.

Thanks for the good reviews, all.
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Twelve
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

baneofdeath wrote:
That ending was a shocker, and in general i enjoyed the story very much. i felt you did a good job taking us into his mind. As for constructive critisizm, a few places did seem a little rushed, i felt the battle scen coulda been a tiny bit longer, showing a little more about how he overcame his fears more and more. Then you know.... have his face get blown off.


...Thank you for the spoilers. Mad

This is a really engaging story. Good work.


Last edited by Twelve on Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:17 pm; edited 1 time in total
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twelve wrote:
baneofdeath wrote:
That ending was a shocker, and in general i enjoyed the story very much. i felt you did a good job taking us into his mind. As for constructive critisizm, a few places did seem a little rushed, i felt the battle scen coulda been a tiny bit longer, showing a little more about how he overcame his fears more and more. Then you know.... have his face get blown off.


...Thank you for the spoilers. Mad


Who reads comments before the story.

Jeez.

Besides, I saw it coming. Razz
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Zephyr
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Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, I forgot, now all I need to do is get you guys in contact with my English teacher. Laughing
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