HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Posted by Zephyr (henry795@gmail.com)
19 September 2008, 10:15 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zephyr0919082215561.html

Xvash2 · Member Joined: 10 Sep 2006 Posts: 17

In general, I enjoyed the story, but I do have a few things to say about it. First, I like how everything builds up to the end, which I certainly didn't see coming. Secondly, the first person narration is effective in telling the story, especially at the end. However, the lack of detailed events in the story and the fact that it jumps from place to place very quickly makes it difficult to convey imagery, something that I found to be a bit lacking until the later parts of the story. I wish the ending had been a bit more detailed, the setting could have been drawn out much more.

One thing I don't like about the character is the apathetic mentality that is carried throughout the story. The core idea of basic training is to breakdown the civilian mentality and create a military mentality. That didn't seem to happen.

Be sure to proofread, I caught a couple of grammatical errors and misspellings.

Overall, I liked the story you had to convey. It was entertaining.

Zephyr · Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:22 am Post subject:

baneofdeath · Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 11:44 am Post subject:

That ending was a shocker, and in general i enjoyed the story very much. i felt you did a good job taking us into his mind. As for constructive critisizm, a few places did seem a little rushed, i felt the battle scen coulda been a tiny bit longer, showing a little more about how he overcame his fears more and more. Then you know.... have his face get blown off.

Arthur Wellesley · Member Joined: 30 Jun 2006 Posts: 306 Location: Canada

Like Hemingway, only even more depressing.

Time for a quick remonstration: more people need to read this. Stuff like this is the reason we're here.

This was really excellent, Zephyr. I'm genuinely curious - would you cite Hemingway as an influence? Your clipped sentences, the matter of fact yet slightly sardonic delivery of your narrator, your cynical portrayal of war... all strongly evoked Hemingway to me, specifically A Farewell to Arms. Just one of many examples,

Phædrus · Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 3:00 am Post subject:

Nice, Zephyr. I agree with Arthur's analysis, very depressing. The cynicism was well executed and there was a strong sense of realism. Some of the comments seemed forced--not something someone would actually say--and there were a handful of typos, but overall a very satisfying piece.

Reminds me of Billy Was a Soldier, only you replaced the comedy with tragedy. Wink

Azathoth · Posted: Fri Oct 03, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject:

You know, this piece is quite well-written, but it instantly becomes awesome if you assume that the protagonist is Holden Caulfield.

Zephyr · Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 1:06 am Post subject:

Haha, Holden. What a guy.

Thanks for the good reviews, all.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Twelve · Member Joined: 01 Sep 2008 Posts: 4

fallschirmjager · Posted: Sat Oct 11, 2008 10:15 pm Post subject:

Zephyr · Posted: Wed Oct 15, 2008 1:34 am Post subject:

Oh, I forgot, now all I need to do is get you guys in contact with my English teacher. Laughing

_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?