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Attack on Installation 06, part 12

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:41 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 12 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 12
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
1 September 2008, 10:07 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0901082207541.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 1:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice work. Not your best chapter, but I enjoyed it. Particularly Dubbo's appearance. I've always liked him, especially in Halo 2. Where you planning on adding him or was that a response to my comment in the Fic Pick? Because by far my favorite part of what you're doing here is bringing together minor characters from the games, especially the marines that follow you through the game. Stacker's fun to read, too.

Reynolds' section here seemed a bit off, though, for multiple reasons. It starts reading a little choppy, and near the end of it I'm having a bit of trouble seeing what exactly is going on. Particularly what the tower looks like and how simply sidestepping would get all those Elites to run into the Warthogs' fire.

But it was still a good chapter. And you sure like drawing out the suspense, don't you? Razz
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
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Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down

PostPosted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chips's insertion was going to occur, but your desire moved up the schedule, so to speak. Razz

Too bad I didn't do as well as I had hoped with Reynolds's hill assault; that was my first major battle scene in some time.
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, one more thought on Chips I forgot to mention: if he's the same Aussie marine in Halo 2 (it's the same voice actor, anyways) then he should be a Helljumper. You could fix that easily though, and just say he was sent in with the Chief and first platoon becuase he had been at Alpha Halo.

Now that I think about it, too, it seems odd that all these Halo survivors would be together on the Cairo and then the IAC. Conspiracy, I say! Or they were just kept together for no reason at all, more likely. I just think it's nifty all these survivors stay together, both in the games and your series here. Wink
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 2:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey I just read your entire series in one go.

I actually feel pretty comfortable with your writing style. The loose way of writing makes feel like someone is standing there telling me a story.

You do a good job of expressing pictures. While I have problems picturing the characters in your story, I manage to see the situations quite clearly.

To me, this story lacks any real depth. I see you trying to create some emotional connection but I don't believe that it's being pulled off very well.

If you take this story for what it is, a crazy fight fast, "shoot em' up" story, I happen to find this series very enjoyable. Keep it up son and keep up the killing.
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