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poem for the fall of reach

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:41 pm    Post subject: poem for the fall of reach Reply with quote

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poem for the fall of reach
Posted by ryan (ryan.enage@yahoo.com)
30 August 2008, 3:25 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ryan0830080325351.html
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 35
Location: wat

PostPosted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad; I have one technical and one stylistic beef with you though.

On the technical side, I know this is a free verse and it's on the "prosey" side of poetry, but it's still a poem: where ye shall have line breaks, ye must have capitalization there also.

My little, stylistic issue is that a few lines such as,

Quote:

The counterattack raged on
the all-out brawl to save what was left


could be made a little more abstract and poetic. I'm not a great poet but something to the effect of:

"Our last, desperate backlash swelled in fury,
A final, hellish grapple for what still we had"

Overall it was good. I enjoyed it even more the second go. Smile
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