HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Not Exactly Human: Ch. 8.3

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Not Exactly Human: Ch. 8.3 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Not Exactly Human: Ch. 8.3
Posted by QuantumSheep (jasnash@optusnet.com.au)
22 August 2008, 12:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep0822080000371.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Haven't been following this series, and I'm not sure if I've read any of it previously. I'll just jump right in, then.

First off, I've gotta say it's a bit hard to determine what's going on. All I've really got is they're on the ships. I've got nothing on the characters except one's the CO of another, and Windtalker's probably an AI (hmm, guessed right! My point still stands, it took a while till you outright said it : P). If you want to pull new readers in, make sure there's some kind of explanation for what exactly is going on, whether that be expresses in character introspection, dialogue, what have you.

Second, your action scenes seem very wooden. There's no real feeling behind them, just a relaying of information. A lot of it's a bit vague, too. You need some emotion, some vivid description. There were bits, and I know you're a good writer, I've read some of your other stuff before and I've been impressed. Just something to work on.

Overall, good solid work. Just make sure to remind the reader of what's going on.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group