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Service Records

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 2:13 pm    Post subject: Service Records Reply with quote

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Service Records
Posted by fezgod (ahmjolnir@yahoo.com)
18 August 2008, 4:39 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=fezgod0818081639031.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, new writer. Let's see what you've got.

Not bad, but lacking. An alright start, though. The first and final sections are interesting enough, but the middle section is just...boring. The whole scene is basically, 'Ship 1 fires, ship 2 blows up,' wash, rinse, repeat. Part of the problem is the fact that you chose space combat, a very difficult thing to write, and one I won't touch. If you want advice on that, I'd suggest going to Phaedrus. He can help you out.

One last suggestion: make sure to format. All your paragraphs are blocks. You should either indent or put a break between each paragraph, or both. Makes reading much easier on the eyes. Keep posting, you'll only get better with practice.
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