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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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No! This cannot be!
Wow Jilly, I can't believe you came back. I need to go read this now.
Edit: OK I found something that was kind of off-putting for me:
| Quote: | "What did Truth just do?" Hood demanded, his lungs giving out as he spluttered his way through his demands.
"No, sir, but he certainly did something," Keyes announced. |
I don't know whether you missed it in proofreading or it was the confusion of the fight but they conversation doesn't really work together.
Maybe something like "...know, sir, but he certainly did something". I'm sure, however, I didn't need to tell you that. I just felt like appearing useful.
| Quote: | | Or a frail old Prophet who could should accept the use of his chair |
Whoops. Sounds funny to me.
| Quote: | | Tugging him towards the corridors, she noticed the battle scarring all over the [I]Intent |
Whoops again.
Other than that, that was some serious piece of writing. Glad to see another chapter of this absolutely epic series. |
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kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 2:05 am Post subject: |
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This was good, but I didn't enjoy it quite as much as your previous chapters. I suppose the reunion of your characters would be more powerful for long-time readers, though, to be fair.
To start off, I thought the Arbiter seemed a little off at a couple points in this chapter. Namely, him referring to the Chief by his rank rather than 'Demon', and the part where he says to get shotguns.
On the other hand, I like your interpretation of 'Rtas as a commoner who progressed through the ranks to such a high position. I continue to be impressed with your reinterpretation of lines from the game, with the different meaning you gave to 'Rtas taking the Arbiter's 'counsel'. The Chief appearing KIA whenever he gets those visions of Cortana was a neat touch, too.
Overall this was good, with the little things really making it for me.
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