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Attack on Installation 06, part 09

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:32 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 09 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 09
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
31 July 2008, 12:41 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0731080041521.html
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Another good entry here. A couple GPS errors, but nothing major. The battle around the Berlin was brutal on both sides, and I liked the bit with the Zealot executing his subordinate. Silver's sudden death did a good job underscoring the fact that this would be a tough fight.

On another note, I find your take on the neural implants interesting. I've always assumed they were a kind of digital dogtag, used for identification and maybe security purposes, but that it required some additional equipment to read them, like a helmet's HUD. I like your take, though. In most cases the UNSCDF is almost too similar to a modern army, with tech advances in only a few areas. This makes them feel like a real, 26th century fighting force.

The last few paragraphs I wasn't too fond of, though. Very much a case of telling rather than showing. If you would have actually given bits of Freyyr's report, it would have mixed the exposition up a bit. Thankfully, this was only an issue in that last POV section, and didn't carry over to anywhere else.

Overall, good piece, here. I'm impressed with how consistently you've been putting out solid updates to your series. Keep it up.
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down

PostPosted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 9:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks very much, Kr. Frankly, the last scene was a bit of a rush job, since I knew that I had to end it with something a little more conclusive, but didn't have the time necessary to write up the exposition I'd have preferred.

EDIT: I forgot to note that the updates are going to stop for the next two weeks; I'm off to Israel, and I doubt I'll have access to a computer there. Razz
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