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A Marine Named Peters: Veni, Vidi, We Got Our Asses Kicked

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 3:00 am    Post subject: A Marine Named Peters: Veni, Vidi, We Got Our Asses Kicked Reply with quote

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A Marine Named Peters: Veni, Vidi, We Got Our Asses Kicked
Posted by GLADIATRRR3000 (gladiatrrr3000@hotmail.com)
28 November 2004, 11:25 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=gladiatrrr30.11280423255324.html
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hell yeah! Your back. Anyways, I'll get to this sometime tomorrow, my comp is really messing up and I'm getting all this 509 hangup BS.

But its good to see you writing again, man.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad, you're on the Fridge Door of Fame already - so it'll be a pleasure to update again!

- Dave.
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 1:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Got it to pop after refreshing so many times and I've read it and all I have to say, "fucking awesome."

Great job!
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Zofinda
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Joined: 29 Nov 2004
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Location: On my ass eating FunYuns...

PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Peters is back...HELL YEAH

great job
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Tenebrous Proficient
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Joined: 01 Dec 2004
Posts: 15
Location: The High Charity, lost in the dark

PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I might be missing something but... what does Peters have to do with the story? He never really does anything.

Same thing with the Elite and his Grunts. What did they contribute to the story? Just to waste the marines bullets? Where did the Elite run off to? Did he get killed as well.

Oh, by the way. I (and many others) like to spell out the numbers that are within your story. Two instead of 2. Fifteen instead of 15. It just looks a lot better.

By the way, I still think it was a great story. Good job and good luck on your next one.
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JCDentonCZ
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Joined: 14 Oct 2004
Posts: 381
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 2:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! I remember this story of when I made my Story in 2003! I will read it when my internet gets back up, got a few minutes left on the PC of school, you know, hard time.

JCDentonCZ
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 10:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man, I can't even remember the last chapter of this! Good its finally back. Oh, good to see you, too, JC.

Anyway, about the story. Watch your grammer in there. I saw a place where you switched tenses in a single paragraph. It wasn't that big, but it still disturbed the story for me.
Some parts went by a little fast there. And seemed kinda non-explained enough to be pointess. Like the Elite thing; you could have turned that into something great, but, you didn't. Just kind of an inclusion to remind us of our timeframe.
I think I am starting to remember this tale.
And yeah, spell out numbers for us.

Also, add a tad more emotion in there. When that Marine died, the way you wrote it, I just didn't care. It wasn't described much differently than a well-written enemy's death. And there wasn't a relief depicted from the escape. Non of those actions have much meaning if you don't flesh them out.
Just add some details in the right places for that kind of thing.

Overall, it was pretty good. I wanted to read through it, but still wondered if they got Peters' body out. Well, just keep practicing the writing and working on the good stuff.
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