HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A Marine Named Peters: Veni, Vidi, We Got Our Asses Kicked
Posted by GLADIATRRR3000 (gladiatrrr3000@hotmail.com)
28 November 2004, 11:25 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=gladiatrrr30.11280423255324.html

Solidus Snake · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:00 pm Post subject:

Hell yeah! Your back. Anyways, I'll get to this sometime tomorrow, my comp is really messing up and I'm getting all this 509 hangup BS.

But its good to see you writing again, man.

SYSTEM · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:05 pm Post subject:

Glad, you're on the Fridge Door of Fame already - so it'll be a pleasure to update again!

- Dave.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 1:26 am Post subject:

Got it to pop after refreshing so many times and I've read it and all I have to say, "fucking awesome."

Great job!

Zofinda · Posted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 2:54 am Post subject:

Peters is back...HELL YEAH

great job

Tenebrous Proficient · Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 6:16 am Post subject:

I might be missing something but... what does Peters have to do with the story? He never really does anything.

Same thing with the Elite and his Grunts. What did they contribute to the story? Just to waste the marines bullets? Where did the Elite run off to? Did he get killed as well.

Oh, by the way. I (and many others) like to spell out the numbers that are within your story. Two instead of 2. Fifteen instead of 15. It just looks a lot better.

By the way, I still think it was a great story. Good job and good luck on your next one.

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 2:33 pm Post subject:

Hey! I remember this story of when I made my Story in 2003! I will read it when my internet gets back up, got a few minutes left on the PC of school, you know, hard time.

JCDentonCZ
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A million ideas..

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Man, I can't even remember the last chapter of this! Good its finally back. Oh, good to see you, too, JC.

Anyway, about the story. Watch your grammer in there. I saw a place where you switched tenses in a single paragraph. It wasn't that big, but it still disturbed the story for me.
Some parts went by a little fast there. And seemed kinda non-explained enough to be pointess. Like the Elite thing; you could have turned that into something great, but, you didn't. Just kind of an inclusion to remind us of our timeframe.
I think I am starting to remember this tale.
And yeah, spell out numbers for us.

Also, add a tad more emotion in there. When that Marine died, the way you wrote it, I just didn't care. It wasn't described much differently than a well-written enemy's death. And there wasn't a relief depicted from the escape. Non of those actions have much meaning if you don't flesh them out.
Just add some details in the right places for that kind of thing.

Overall, it was pretty good. I wanted to read through it, but still wondered if they got Peters' body out. Well, just keep practicing the writing and working on the good stuff.
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-MCC