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Long Time Gone Part 27

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:59 am    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 27 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 27
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
28 November 2004, 7:45 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.11280407452427.html
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:32 am    Post subject: ... Reply with quote

This was just plain weird and you to me...used to much colorful language in it. But good plot.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't put periods after abreviated letters. Specially stuff like "MAC" that we all are familiar with anyway.
Now, I think that the whole dating in the Marines thing you have going is a little off. That's not all that realistic, and I think you make too big a point of it (kinda like the author of the Net Force series uses some kind of direct sectual reference in every chapter).
You seem to be getting a little sloppy with these chapters. Like you don't spend enough time on them or something. Like you almost don't want to write them or something. I noted a bunch of careless mistakes in there. Words left out, punctuation left out, details left out...
Yeah, you still need to use a bit more detail. You aren't really giving us a good image of what is going on and what things are like with and around your characters.
Further, you need to work on flow a bit, too. Your sentenses just seemed not-that-smooth to the read, and need a little improvement.
Women can't really let there hair grow out to be much of a pony-tail in the military.

Overall, it was the same as your others. I'm not real sure that you are taking any of your comments to heart. Do! Make yourself better and make getting better a habit for you. The rewards will be worth it.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Remember to keep your marines professional. Real, disciplined marines will never swear in that nature.

- Dave.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And also, sorry about the Double Post, but remember, in the Military, Men are to have short hair, and Women must have their hair done up in a bun.

Nothing else around fashion.

- Dave.
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Mind_Affecting_Parasite
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 61
Location: Believe me, If I knew, I'd tell you.

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It did kinda seem like you had lost a will to write. But, don't worry too much about it, I had the same thing happen. With my first series that I still have to finish, I kinda ran out of enthusiasm to continue it. The whole plot of Halo 2 messed with it too. But, I'm working on that. Just keep on writing, is the best I can come up with.
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