HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Long Time Gone Part 27
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
28 November 2004, 7:45 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.11280407452427.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:32 am Post subject: ...

This was just plain weird and you to me...used to much colorful language in it. But good plot.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Don't put periods after abreviated letters. Specially stuff like "MAC" that we all are familiar with anyway.
Now, I think that the whole dating in the Marines thing you have going is a little off. That's not all that realistic, and I think you make too big a point of it (kinda like the author of the Net Force series uses some kind of direct sectual reference in every chapter).
You seem to be getting a little sloppy with these chapters. Like you don't spend enough time on them or something. Like you almost don't want to write them or something. I noted a bunch of careless mistakes in there. Words left out, punctuation left out, details left out...
Yeah, you still need to use a bit more detail. You aren't really giving us a good image of what is going on and what things are like with and around your characters.
Further, you need to work on flow a bit, too. Your sentenses just seemed not-that-smooth to the read, and need a little improvement.
Women can't really let there hair grow out to be much of a pony-tail in the military.

Overall, it was the same as your others. I'm not real sure that you are taking any of your comments to heart. Do! Make yourself better and make getting better a habit for you. The rewards will be worth it.
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-MCC

SYSTEM · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:57 pm Post subject:

Remember to keep your marines professional. Real, disciplined marines will never swear in that nature.

- Dave.

SYSTEM · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 10:58 pm Post subject:

And also, sorry about the Double Post, but remember, in the Military, Men are to have short hair, and Women must have their hair done up in a bun.

Nothing else around fashion.

- Dave.

Mind_Affecting_Parasite · Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:40 pm Post subject:

It did kinda seem like you had lost a will to write. But, don't worry too much about it, I had the same thing happen. With my first series that I still have to finish, I kinda ran out of enthusiasm to continue it. The whole plot of Halo 2 messed with it too. But, I'm working on that. Just keep on writing, is the best I can come up with.