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Project PEGASUS: Intermission

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 11:31 am    Post subject: Project PEGASUS: Intermission Reply with quote

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Project PEGASUS: Intermission
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (anthony.peter.davis@gmail.com)
15 July 2008, 10:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0715082255271.html
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa, this was much better in terms of flow and dialog, mate! Your descriptions are thrilling, and they really made me sit in front of the screen and make me want to read more. I particularly liked the drop scene. It reminded me of Dietz's description of Silva in the HEV.

I've seen a few formulation errors like "the pad that was on his desk". I guess that could work, but it would sound a lot better is you scratched the "that was". "Would of" instead of "Would have" was an issue here too. But these are minor things that can easily be corrected.

Quote:
etched across the stars with its own memory, a statue in a tomb, a tombstone in a lonely graveyard.


I love that sentence. Wink

The last part about Ackerson getting his wife assassinated was a lot better than previous officer-to-officer scenes you've written too. And it's a bit mysterious seeing the SF operative go MIA. So that's another plus.

9/10! Good job, and it keep it up. Wink
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks!

Yeah, it flowed better in this one because I knew what exactly I wanted from this one. Plus, I needed not open a plotline, so I stuck it close in this one. And the Reynolds scene wasn't that great in terms of where I personally wanted it to be, but if I made it any bigger it probably would of disrupted the flow of the piece, especially since it didn't call for it.

And that line, heh, thank you! I was trying to find stuff that sounded cool. Very Happy

Also: There is a mention to Lt. Rojas in Reynolds' drop scene, never really seeing much combat and becoming a leader when it's supposed to be Reynolds, and how he's seen that much shit. That was an accident, I didn't catch that. My bad. Also, there was supposed to be a cool line, you'll probably see it, just shake your head and keep on reading. Fucking things slipping through the cracks.

And yes, Ackerson and Lambert and Gallagher. Is Gallagher's family going to get hit, or is there going to be a direct assassination attempt on Ackerson himself? Guess you're gonna have to read the next installment. Very Happy
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Last edited by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher on Mon Jul 21, 2008 6:07 am; edited 2 times in total
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 21, 2008 2:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Comments in the Fic Pick. Good story. Wink
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 4:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, Gallagher, I haven't read the others yet, but it's on my to-do list now. Everything flowed wonderfully, but there were two things that I noticed.
Quote:
She saw the full, dead glory of the planet, how the desert world seem to stand still, marked by small pockets of silver and white, representing the cities dotted across it, most science housing and some residential areas, The planet was noted by either the desert color, one of gold and yellow and orange and death, and the other of black,
darkest night and haunting depths.

That should have been a comma or 'The' shouldn't have been capitalized, also the 'ands' seemed repetative, commas might have been better.

And...
Quote:
The only hope he had was that, if he survived, he wouldn’t be arrived anymore.

Wouldn't be arrived? If this is correct, and not something missed in the proofread, please explain.

Those were the only things I saw though. Two thumbs up!
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

-nod- Yeah, I didn't noticed that stuff you just pointed out. Good catch. Very Happy

And that second part, yeah...-cough- Things get through the proof-read.
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