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Project PEGASUS: Chapter 0

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:57 am    Post subject: Project PEGASUS: Chapter 0 Reply with quote

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Project PEGASUS: Chapter 0
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
9 July 2008, 10:37 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0709082237301.html
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, excellent start to an intriguing story, Gallagher. Can't wait to see where this goes.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks.

Now, for some ANs:

1) The appearance of General Lambert is based off of Sean Bean.
2) All loose plotlines that are evident here, and in You Know My Name, will be settled.
3) The main POVs here in this story are from the land team, ONI/UNSC, and then Ackerson and Earthside.

Just FYI.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 12, 2008 7:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Even though it's a prologue, I don't think it's too long. I think it's just the right length for a new series.

You displayed a really good ability of having two characters talking to each other through other means. I loved the part where Gallagher talked to the girl in the kitchen.

However, Ackerson seems a little too badass here, repeatedly cussing with no apparent reason. Though one part caught my attention.

Quote:
Colonel Gallagher then turned his eyes towards the higher-ranked ONI officer, opening his mouth to speak first.
"Can I---"
"Get the fuck out of my office, Gallagher."


I don't know why, but that part is damn funny. Poor Gallagher. Laughing
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks! I didn't think it wasn't too long either, but dammit, this series needs it.

And thanks for the other means mention. I knew a guy who had a sister like that, and they would talk like that, and then he would just slip out of it like a fat kid covered in grease going down a big slide. I actually based that scene off of a dinner that I had with him one time.

And, with Ackerson and some of the other characters, there is almost always a reason for behavior like that. Wink

And thanks for reviewing, Trooper! Apparently you're the only one who likes to do that! Very Happy (Kidding, but, seriously, do you guys, like, hate me?)
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
And thanks for reviewing, Trooper! Apparently you're the only one who likes to do that! (Kidding, but, seriously, do you guys, like, hate me?)


Of course not, Gallagher. You're an enthusiastic and active member of this community. Unfortunately, many stories have a dearth of reviews; many more have none at all. Let's hope that changes.

On to the story: this was really excellent. My favorite thing about it? Not a shot fired. Not that action precludes a story from being great, but this fic proves it's far from necessary. The story's 'action' is not built on plasma and lead but rather on intrigue and inter-personal relationships between (mostly) three dimensional characters. For instance, one might wonder at the point of the scene with Gallagher and his family, yet it did much to humanize the character - an all important accomplishment in such a character-driven story.

Your writing style is quite good overall. You have a natural, fluid style backed up by an absence of GPS errors. My only complaint would be when Gallagher is picking the team at the beginning. The exposition of the characters who had not yet been introduced (ie "Petya was a good pick because..." "Definitely Mrugistaski too because...") came across as a little clunky.

One more thing. I'm not sure I'm feeling the bold and underlined text in the narrative. It's not exactly kosher.

All in all, an intriguing start to a series that could go in a thousand directions. Great work.

- Arthur
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kr1
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 28, 2008 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Finally got around to reading this, Gallagher, and I'd say it's a solid piece. Like Arthur, I'm not a fan of the bold and underlining in the text, but to each his own. I didn't think it was too long, either. There were a couple GPS errors, too, but nothing too noticeable. Good work.

Oh, and in the opening section, you mentioned Project Xenu, I believe. Is this in any of your older work, and can you PM me some info about it? Sounds interesting.

Edit: And I think Ackerson works well as a screaming asshole. There's no real indication of it in Nylund's stuff, but I like it. Wink
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