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We are Delta: Intro

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 11, 2008 10:57 am    Post subject: We are Delta: Intro Reply with quote

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We are Delta: Intro
Posted by your friendly neighborhood zombie (your_friendly_neighborhood_zombie)
9 July 2008, 12:11 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=your_friendl0709080011481.html
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 7:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Author's note: The stories of sector 8 are set in the Halo 3 MULTIPLAYER, universe so to speak.

You scared me there for a second with that. Multiplayer stories rarely, if ever, turn out even decent. You haven't gone very far into your story yet, and that is probably a good thing. One problem I saw was that your Spartans seemed out of character. If you'd have used Marines instead I think you would have been okay, but Spartans most likely wouldn't be behaving like this. You seem to have potential, and hopefully we'll get to see you improve.
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joe zombie
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:46 am    Post subject: thanks Reply with quote

hey thanks for the good feed back on my submission, and thank you for taking the time to make it personal, i appreciate it

for now on i will write under the name of joe zombie
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, let's get to business.

Before you go any further, take a good look at the official publications (The Fall Of Reach especially). Yeah I know they're kinda corny and they aren't the most entertaining read, but they'll give you some decent information on how Spartans behave, because they don't behave like this. It's important not to break character if you want to retain suspension of disbelief. Also, Elite names officially have a certain pattern you'll need to follow, that's established in canon.

Secondly, don't use all-caps during narration. If you're writing something that appears on, say, a computer screen, go ahead, but during narration, italicize. There's a preview key and a link on the submission form, so there is no excuse. However, I have posted a tutorial here: http://hboff.bungie.org/viewtopic.php?t=3797

Lastly, show or imply, but don't tell. When readers want to read fiction, generally they don't want to have to go through backstory that establishes the setting.
Quote:

In the year 2559, a war between the Human and Elite races ravaged much of the known galaxy. and somewhat beyond.

The first sentence of your story is what catches your readers' attention and it needs to be way stronger than this. I've seen dozens of stories start out like this and each one of them has turned out to be the same. First impressions are extremely important in the world of writing. You've got ten seconds to capture an audience's attention, and if you don't catch their attention in the first sentence or so, they aren't going to bother with the rest. Now here you get a little leeway because us, the audience, are looking to give some feedback to newcomers, but offsite, no.

Start the story out front, and imply it as you go. Don't try to explain it as if we're reading a history book or create a feather duster scene. Add bits and imply it through dialogue. Characters don't say, "Hey, reader, I'm fighting a war with aliens alongside my pal that I knew for twenty years!" but they might say to another character, "Ever since we started this stupid war with those alien bugs... I thought you'd never betray me, in all those twenty years we've been together!" The second example gives us the same information, but in a more dramatic way that doesn't break or interrupt the story. Let us do the thinking and comprehend.


Also, you may want to properly capitalize your posts - and also avoid one-liners. Even though they're not being published, it's good forum conduct.
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joe zombie
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 9:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The reason for my out of character Spartans is that the universe that my story is set in is almost like Red vs Blue, it's all done in "multiplayer mode"
but it is a entire universe and story of it's own, so instead of Spartans being the super badasses they are in the real Halo universe, they are just soldiers, so i will just warn you now, the characters and story may be a little(pardon my French) fucked up beyond proportion. Cool
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Then why call them Spartans at all?

Red vs Blue can pull off things like this because it's comedy, and fairly cheap comedy at that. But "multiplayer mode" does not work for an actual, srs-bsns story, because multiplayer mode is about killing brightly colored soldier-men for the grandiloquent prize of a wavy flag or a shiny medal. Hooray. Who wants to read a story about that?

PSST IT'S NOT ME

And the censor-filter doesn't allow for the pardoning of French, sorry to say.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 11:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You just admitted you broke character.

If you're going to call them Spartans, they should be Spartans. Don't try to feed me your excuses about 'beyond proportion.' Unless you can justify it in-universe, then they aren't Spartans, and you've broken a character. End result, it becomes a ripoff.

As for a multiplayer fic, frankly, nobody wants to read "player2 went and killed teh othr side n then went 2 captur teh flag and throw in sum cheezy dialog here." A well-written story takes us somewhere we've never been to before and allows us to read about another experience, but a multiplayer fanwankfest just doesn't do that considering all I need to do to experience something more or less the same is to fire up the Xbox.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

joe zombie wrote:
The reason for my out of character Spartans is that the universe that my story is set in is almost like Red vs Blue, it's all done in "multiplayer mode"

And if you take a look at other RvsB-type fics you can see where they ended up, and it wasn't a nice place. I think you've got some potential, but I can seriously tell you that you won't get very many happy comments on stories like this. If you need help with any of your writing feel free to PM any of us, we'd be happy to help.

And bear with Dave. He may seem harsh, but he's usually right.
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joe zombie
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 8:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i think the whole thing is stoopid looking back at it i think i am going to put together a new story, maybe a new series based in the actual halo universe, i dont know...

As of now i will no longer be writing any more of We are Delta, I'm going to write a more ligitimate story based in the actual Halo realm

I am not giving up because of some bad feed back, but becuase I realise this story line can go no where.

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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

joe zombie wrote:
As of now i will no longer be writing any more of We are Delta, I'm going to write a more ligitimate story based in the actual Halo realm

I am not giving up because of some bad feed back, but becuase I realise this story line can go no where.


I'm glad to see that you're taking the feedback and criticism very well. You'd be surprised at how often people just up and leave after only one or two submissions because they couldn't handle thinking their story wasn't awesome.

Props, sir.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 25, 2008 4:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Joe,

As hard as it might be, try not to think of it as 'bad' feedback. If it helped you progress and move forward, then it isn't bad feedback in the sense that you're learning. You've got the guts to step up to the plate and look at your own work from a different perspective, you also realize that nothing's sacred, and those are some of the most important skills in creative writing.

Good luck on the next one.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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