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Protocols: Installation 05, Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:25 pm    Post subject: Protocols: Installation 05, Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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Protocols: Installation 05, Chapter 1
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
1 July 2008, 9:09 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper0701082109481.html
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 10:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, Trooper, that was impressive; the way you showed the politics amongst the UNSC HighCom was great.

Parangoski was a little more benign than I thought she should be, but other than that, the characterization was great.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good piece, Trooper.

I was thinking on Paragonski, and I think that, even those she's mean, I don't think she would get into any sort of argument, especially considering the information she's giving away, and I like that you noticed that.

I think, at some points, however, you needed a bit more detail than you gave. But that's it.

-pats Trooper on shoulder- Good piece.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks guys. I realize this wasn't very juicy, as shown by the Fic Pick. I pretty much screwed up the pacing. Oh and yeah, Parangoski is a bit out of character - even when she's speaking to the man that would later become the supreme commander of all UNSC forces ... or who is believed to be that. I portrayed her as being the more "think before you talk" type. Wink

This series is complicated, even though it doesn't trot over canon. Quite on the contrary. If you've ever noticed all the human bodies and ammunition on Delta Halo you know what I'm talking about.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 01, 2008 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't know if I told you I'd read this or not, but I've finally gotten around to it. It's an alright piece, but it's very obviously a setup chapter, and that takes away from it a bit. Everyone seems to be going through the motions just to get the ball rolling and the action started. Not a bad thing, but neither is it terribly exciting.

My real issue with this, though, is the dates. This is 2496, and nearly every officer in this story is only a grade or two lower than they will be in fifty years. I find that hard to believe. All the characters save Parangosky seem to be the same age as they are in about 2552. Parangosky seems to be implied as younger, but I'd guess she'd have to be about forty here, maybe older. Hood, on the other hand, seems written as older, when I always got he was in his forties or fifties as of 2552. I never imagined him as old as Paranosky.

I had a few issues with your use of the various officers, too. It's good to try to weave bits of canon together, but here you seem to be stretching it. Every major officer from 2552 is here, all at an ONI meeting, when the only one who's for sure an ONI officer is Parangosky. Hood's just Chairman of the Security Committee and Admiral of the Home Fleet, his involvement with ONI isn't direct. It just kind of seems like a Who's Who in the UNSC Brass, and it kind of strains believability. This whole intro would have worked much better with just Parangosky and maybe Ackerson, and all the rest original characters, IMO.

So this was alright as a premise. Not great, but alright. The dates and the officers used stuck out at me the most, though, and not in a good way. It's too late to change that, but in the future it'd be great if you could clarify their ages, at least as you see them. I'll be following this still, too see where you go with it.
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Col. Knadan
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm with kr-1426 on most of the stuff but one thing makes no sense. At the beginning you said she was programmed to attend the meeting, is she a robot like Lopez in RedvsBlue?
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 26, 2008 11:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Col. Knadan wrote:
I'm with kr-1426 on most of the stuff but one thing makes no sense. At the beginning you said she was programmed to attend the meeting, is she a robot like Lopez in RedvsBlue?


"Programmed" means "scheduled."
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