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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down
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 Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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Hopefully I did better this time around, but I'll let you guys pass judgment on that.
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Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.
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| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:53 am Post subject: |
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This piece was good, though it had the same pacing and dialog problems I mentioned in the previous chapters. Try having the characters talk to each other a little too, instead of just shouting orders.
| Quote: | | "Yes Sir!" said the Private of that name, mounting the weapon's tripod on the trench edge. |
The highlighted text just doesn't sound right. "The Private replied" is simple and more effective. 
Keep writing, you're improving! |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:42 am Post subject: |
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Let me start by saying I like this story a lot; it's exciting and full of good old-fashioned action. There's a few problems with this, though, mostly in basic mechanical flaws.
| You wrote: | Chapter 6
Halo Installation, Tharidanis system, 2553 |
This isn't a very convincing timestamp, sorry to say. One of the main purposes of the timestamp is to give the reader a sense of confidence in the military nature of the work; this doesn't particularly inspire confidence. Timestamps should be full of numbers and capitals and bolded letters; the more impressive bullsh!t the better.
| You wrote: | | At the last second, the Captain closed his eyes. A sharp, stabbing pain pierced his stomach, and Kline blacked out. |
The italicized section here seemed a little off to me. You can have something pierce your stomach, and you can have a sharp, stabbing pain, but I'm not confident you can have both at once.
| You wrote: | | Drake's M6D sidearm was already out and cracking away. The Elite waited for the Private to expend the magazine on his shields, then lunged. Drake sidestepped, unslinging his M90 shotgun, and unloaded two shells into the creature's head. The Elite dropped like a stone. |
Uh-oh. Don't fall into the super Marine trap. I tell you what, a shotgun Marine could surely kill an Elite at that range, but he'd have to get the drop on him first. Add to that the facts that 1) Even Spartans can barely dodge charging Elites; I'm sure Marines can't and 2) It's sort of hard to unsling a big, bulky, thirteen-pound shotgun while you're moving. Don't imbue your Marines with crazy powers, and don't hesitate to kill some of them. Marines in Halo die. They die a lot, regardless of how badass they are. Take that to heart.
| You wrote: | | The company commander had a pair of stab wounds to his stomach, but they were cauterized, and it looked like he was going to make it. |
Again, don't write Super Marines. Not even a Spartan with fully shielded MJOLNIR armor can walk away from a direct energy sword to the torso; why should Cpt. Joe Q. Badass be able to?
Overall, this is not a bad story by any stretch of the imagination, but you have a problem with writing Super Marines, which can really drag a piece down in the long run. |
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:30 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Azathoth, I'll try and fix those errors in the future.
However, the timestamp wasn't supposed to be impressive, it was just supposed to tell where and when the story takes place. 
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Sir Isaac Newton is the DEADLIEST SON OF A BITCH IN SPACE!
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Jake Trommer wrote: | | However, the timestamp wasn't supposed to be impressive, it was just supposed to tell where and when the story takes place. |
I tell this to everyone; you're the narrator and that's your job; don't be lazy. If you're going to name a place you might as well make sure we know what it looks like, especially if you're set on making something with lots of action at the beginning. Your audience can't see inside your head. Don't just plunk down a name and leave it to the audience to guess at where this is all going. Now I do understand sometimes leaving things up to the imagination of your readers can help at times, but if you're going to go blow-by-blow like you are here, then all you end up doing is making it seem vague and spacey like it's all going on in a black void with a miscellanous descriptor of 'trench.' Make us see your setting and make sure the characters get plenty of time to interact with it instead of just "Mow down the covies with the machine gun!"
On the upside I notice your formatting is clear and easy to read. I didn't pick out any glaringly obvious mechanical errors so that's a plus for you. Good job.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Jake Trommer
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Joined: 22 Jun 2008
Posts: 63
Location: An express elevator to Hell, going down
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| Posted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Dave wrote: |
I tell this to everyone; you're the narrator and that's your job; don't be lazy. If you're going to name a place you might as well make sure we know what it looks like, especially if [cut] |
Well, I'm writing a series here, and I described the setting in a previous chapter. However, I understand not everyone will read previous chapters, and I'll do my best to accommodate your feedback.
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