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Attack on Installation 06, part 6

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:25 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 6 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 6
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
30 June 2008, 10:31 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0630082231131.html
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hopefully I did better this time around, but I'll let you guys pass judgment on that.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 6:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This piece was good, though it had the same pacing and dialog problems I mentioned in the previous chapters. Try having the characters talk to each other a little too, instead of just shouting orders.

Quote:
"Yes Sir!" said the Private of that name, mounting the weapon's tripod on the trench edge.

The highlighted text just doesn't sound right. "The Private replied" is simple and more effective. Wink

Keep writing, you're improving!
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Azathoth
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 1:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me start by saying I like this story a lot; it's exciting and full of good old-fashioned action. There's a few problems with this, though, mostly in basic mechanical flaws.

You wrote:
Chapter 6
Halo Installation, Tharidanis system, 2553


This isn't a very convincing timestamp, sorry to say. One of the main purposes of the timestamp is to give the reader a sense of confidence in the military nature of the work; this doesn't particularly inspire confidence. Timestamps should be full of numbers and capitals and bolded letters; the more impressive bullsh!t the better.

You wrote:
At the last second, the Captain closed his eyes. A sharp, stabbing pain pierced his stomach, and Kline blacked out.


The italicized section here seemed a little off to me. You can have something pierce your stomach, and you can have a sharp, stabbing pain, but I'm not confident you can have both at once.

You wrote:
Drake's M6D sidearm was already out and cracking away. The Elite waited for the Private to expend the magazine on his shields, then lunged. Drake sidestepped, unslinging his M90 shotgun, and unloaded two shells into the creature's head. The Elite dropped like a stone.


Uh-oh. Don't fall into the super Marine trap. I tell you what, a shotgun Marine could surely kill an Elite at that range, but he'd have to get the drop on him first. Add to that the facts that 1) Even Spartans can barely dodge charging Elites; I'm sure Marines can't and 2) It's sort of hard to unsling a big, bulky, thirteen-pound shotgun while you're moving. Don't imbue your Marines with crazy powers, and don't hesitate to kill some of them. Marines in Halo die. They die a lot, regardless of how badass they are. Take that to heart.

You wrote:
The company commander had a pair of stab wounds to his stomach, but they were cauterized, and it looked like he was going to make it.


Again, don't write Super Marines. Not even a Spartan with fully shielded MJOLNIR armor can walk away from a direct energy sword to the torso; why should Cpt. Joe Q. Badass be able to?

Overall, this is not a bad story by any stretch of the imagination, but you have a problem with writing Super Marines, which can really drag a piece down in the long run.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Azathoth, I'll try and fix those errors in the future.

However, the timestamp wasn't supposed to be impressive, it was just supposed to tell where and when the story takes place. Razz
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 7:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jake Trommer wrote:
However, the timestamp wasn't supposed to be impressive, it was just supposed to tell where and when the story takes place.

I tell this to everyone; you're the narrator and that's your job; don't be lazy. If you're going to name a place you might as well make sure we know what it looks like, especially if you're set on making something with lots of action at the beginning. Your audience can't see inside your head. Don't just plunk down a name and leave it to the audience to guess at where this is all going. Now I do understand sometimes leaving things up to the imagination of your readers can help at times, but if you're going to go blow-by-blow like you are here, then all you end up doing is making it seem vague and spacey like it's all going on in a black void with a miscellanous descriptor of 'trench.' Make us see your setting and make sure the characters get plenty of time to interact with it instead of just "Mow down the covies with the machine gun!"

On the upside I notice your formatting is clear and easy to read. I didn't pick out any glaringly obvious mechanical errors so that's a plus for you. Good job.
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Jake Trommer
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PostPosted: Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave wrote:

I tell this to everyone; you're the narrator and that's your job; don't be lazy. If you're going to name a place you might as well make sure we know what it looks like, especially if [cut]

Well, I'm writing a series here, and I described the setting in a previous chapter. However, I understand not everyone will read previous chapters, and I'll do my best to accommodate your feedback.
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