HBO Fan Fiction

[Arthur Wellesley]

Good job this week guys. A lot of good submissions peppered with some excellent ones.

Before I begin, let me just say that, after briefly scanning this review, I realize some of my comments seem overwhelmingly negative. This is because I have only a few sentences for each, and I am trying to concentrate on improvement. When I quickly say “I enjoyed this” as if I’m just getting it out of the way before I begin my critique, please take it with more emphasis than I provided.

Lastly, as a final note: Block paragraphs = 10X readability. Thank you.

Now: to the stories!

Honorable Mention:
Harold’s: HBOFF (A Vignette) – A Halo Fan…natic http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=A_Halo_Fan..0622081242191.html
LOLs. Phaedrus puts his snappy dialogue to work in this HBOFF “vignette,” capturing the current atmosphere of the community quite well. I snickered aloud at the bit about taxation “‘for supporting UNSC Trooper's latest project.’” My absence might have something to do with this not getting into the top three (I kid.) However, I couldn’t help but notice that reports of Jilly’s disappearance were greatly exaggerated. She’s submitting again.

Not to derogate your philosophy, Phaedrus, but I offer my condolences. That’s all I’ll say.

Bronze:
Not Exactly Human Ch. 5: Landing – Quantumsheep http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep0624080000081.html
This was an enjoyable fic. The action was good, more intelligent than the typical usual slam-bam scenes. As well, there was some good dialogue as well as a construction of a decent relationship between the Marines on the surface. The Covenant scenes were similarly well done. Quantumsheep does a good job of showing two sides of the same conflict without making either one the “bad guys.”

The story suffers on some key points, however. First, as Sev said previously, the Covenant are presented in a way far too similar to humanity. This became uncomfortably evident at the end when a female character reveals her pregnancy to the apparent father, after which they promptly have sex. It was like human sex, only “lips” were replaced with “mandibles.” I can’t lie, I was giggling a little bit. It just came off as facetious, I’m afraid.

Lastly, there was a lot of back-and-forth dialogue consisting mostly of “X said” and “Y said.” It became quickly cumbersome. To see a master of back-and-forth dialogue at work, please refer to one Ernest Hemingway.

Silver:
Aetiee #2 – Marty
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Marty0626081545121.html
Excellent. Really excellent. A quick scan back shows he’s been here a while, but Aetiee is the first work of Marty’s that I’ve personally seen. I’m very impressed, particularly with your descriptions. Marty paints a picture to delight your mind’s eye. This is not a very long piece, but he clearly took his time writing it. The complete lack of GPS errors seems to confirm this.

What’s more, Marty does something I really love: he gives his story a history. Indeed, the fic is infused with a sense that the story of the people and their land began long before this narrative begins. Marty isn’t just writing a story; he’s creating a world. Great job.

Plus: “Troy, Eros, Corsini… Places like those.” Corsini, eh? You’d tickle me if you told me I had something to do with that.

And the Gold goes to...
Angel Wings Chapter 1: Creep – Neil Yudsponwy
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Neil_Yudspon0621081211211.html
Mark returns… the talented son of a bitch.

This was one of the most enjoyable pieces I’ve read in a while. It is wonderfully quirky, replete with great wordplay, repartees, and turns of phrases. Mark is obviously having fun with this, and, let me tell you, the reader gets in on the enjoyment. The words really crackle and you find yourself just flying through it. This is all in addition to a creative plotline, great characterization, and vivid descriptions. Simply fantastic.

My gripe: what’s with the presentation? Clearly, you took your time to write such a piece, yet the CODE is inconsistent and the block paragraphing is erratic. The style made it move along fine, but I suggest you clean up the layout.

By the way, as an (aspiring) history major, I know of two Ephialtes’. I wonder which is the main character’s namesake… I think I can guess.

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Now, the also rans:

Clean Sweep 4 – aussie_spartan http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=aussie_spart0627080707521.html
Not sure I’m feeling the texting intro, even if the content is well done. At least put in some CODE to help differentiate and make it more readable, but preferably, cut it altogether.

Otherwise, this was a pretty good entry. Unfortunately, there were a lot of GPS errors, particularly run-on sentences and missing commas. Also, the plot was a little cliché; there are a lot of close misses, hard-boiled NCOs, and human-Covenant battle scenes. The best bit, in my opinion, was the scene between Gir-tar and Yarrh—points for uniqueness. Just get some more in there.

Infiltration of the Infestation Prt6 – Halochief89
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Halochief890626082316241.html
Az and MCC gave you some good advice on a previous chapter, but regrettably it does not seem like you heeded it. This is riddled with sloppy GPS errors, frequent enough to make readability poor even without a TWOD situation. Furthermore, this seems like an extremely rushed effort, which likely explains the rapid-fire submissions of this series. Not a bad idea you’ve got going, honestly. But take your time to craft a coherent narrative, Halochief89; it’ll pay dividends.


Attack on Installation 06, interlude AND Attack on Installation 06, part 5 – Jake Trommer
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0621080154511.html AND http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0625080045511.html
First off: try not to have make two submissions in the same week, even if one is an “interlude.” These were actually short enough to be combined.

Moving on: Jake Trommer’s fic(s) are both good submissions. They are cleanly written, but more importantly they are thoughtfully written. The dialogue is particularly good, especially in the “interlude,” while part 5 gives us some pretty good characterization. The plot line is pretty original, too, taking place after the events of Halo 3 and featuring an alliance between the humans and Covenant.

However, it is also pretty conventional in its war scenes, and description at times seems lacking. Furthermore, the story’s energy never rises to a very high level, which is necessary in a war fic. A little more work is needed to make this shine.

A Rifleman Went To War – 2 Minute Trooper
http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=2_Minute_Tro0622082137471.html
Nice title. Not a bad fic either, especially for a first piece. You have an alright style, 2 Minute Trooper, but you need some work. First, tighten up your GPS: you have a number of errors including run-on sentences, missing commas, and poor capitalization.

More importantly, your narrative needs work. Your paragraph transitions were a bit jumpy, and you tended towards telling rather than showing. Paint the scene, don’t list its elements. Finally, try not to use vernacular language in the narrative.

Good work. But you can do better.

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Nice job this week, guys. Keep it up. Undoubtedly, as Phaedrus writes, quality is going up. There wasn’t one joke submission in this batch.

Just as the writing has gone up, so must the reading. Now get to it! All submissions should get at least one comment, especially when there are gems hiding under unknown aliases.

Whew! That’s it for me. (How’d you do this every week for so long, Az?) Thanks for the read everyone, and congratulations to all!

- Arthur

[Phædrus]

Snappy? Snappy dialog? I'll show you snappy!

Thanks for the mention, and I appreciate your condolences. I just don't want a big Tucker-Simmons-RvB-esque scene, ya' know?

"Wanna talk about it?"
"No."
"Sure?"
*sniff* "Yes."

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

Good review, Arthur.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[Mark25]

Personally, and I'm not being modest here just because I know Neil Yudsponwy, I think Marty's effort was better. I think it caught the right mood of the right amount of people and reflected more about how we remember Halo than some flippant comic-book style piss-take. not to take anything away from Neil's Milleresque tale because I know a lot of effort went into that goofy shit but I don't believe it deserved to win.

Still, it remains to be seen whether either author goes the distance with their fiction. We see a lot of scribes fall by the wayside from the criticisms and expectations of their readers and I wish both of them the best of luck.

[Marty]

It's a good name, Corsini, hope you don't mind me borrowing that little bit

I kind of suck at making up my own planet names, they always end up sounding like a laundry detergent brand.

Thrilled to on the top list this week, thank you for the honor. Thanks for the kind words too, Mark -- I'll try my damnedest to see this story through. Writing's my full time job this summer!
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duffypriory.blogspot.com
GT: JustShoveJOB
"Missin' is a part of winnin'!" - George Foreman

[Phædrus]

You know, it's weird. Almost every update where I submit I get mentioned in the fic pick. I looked at all my stories since Azrael first started the fic pick, and here's the tally:

Billy Was a Soldier – 2nd place
Harold’s: Scotch Rocks and Irish Coffee – Worth Mentioning
I’ll Find You – Fan Fic Pick of the Week
Harold’s: Killian’s and Vodka – None
Stars – Fan Fic Pick of the Week
Harold’s: Paint Thinner and Double Malt – Worth Reading
Harold’s: The Last Glenfiddich – Fan Fic Pick of the Week
Harold’s: HBOFF (A Vignette) – Honorable Mention

I hope this is for actual talent and not because of bias.

[(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher]

I don't pick POS stories for the 'Fic Pick of the Week' there, Phæ. And obviously it has to be on talent. I picked you because your story was not only thought-provoking, but had a good layer of story followed by dialogue, and it was very well written. Pretty good, I'd say, to earn that on for my week at least.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

[Azrael]

I was picking your stuff because I liked the way Harold's was written and most times the other pieces were garbage

Glad to see Mark25 with a dissenting opinion. It's all about the conversation, baby.
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...now that's some gritty shizzle.

[Arthur Wellesley]

Choosing between Marty's and "Neil's" wasn't easy. I read Marty's first and thought, "this is definitely winning." Then I read Angel Wings and wasn't so sure. I looked over both again and came to the conclusion that Mark's fic produced its desired effect slightly better. That was all.

It is always a critic's bias that anything with a light tone cannot be "great." It can be good, or funny, or even timeless, but it can never be "great." Light movies never win Oscars, light novels rarely win Bookers or Pulitzers. Because the thought is, if it isn't %100 serious, it doesn't have anything important to say.

Needless to say, I disagree.

I liked this week's lot because the choice was so hard, which other Fic Pickers often said wasn't the case. And don't get me wrong, I loved both fics. But I had to give just the slightest edge to Angel Wings for its cleverness and its efficacy. That, of course, is just one man's opinion.

- Arthur

[aussie_spartan]

[Azathoth]

[Jake Trommer]

[QuantumSheep]

Those early chapters for my story I wrote like last year...Uh, I don't know what I was thinking at the time...So yeah, by now I've gotten my act together with my story...