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Not Exactly Human Ch. 5: Landing

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 1:06 pm    Post subject: Not Exactly Human Ch. 5: Landing Reply with quote

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Not Exactly Human Ch. 5: Landing
Posted by QuantumSheep (jasnash@optusnet.com.au)
24 June 2008, 12:00 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=QuantumSheep0624080000081.html
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151

PostPosted: Thu Jul 03, 2008 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was good, but your descriptions could use more work.

Quote:
There was an African-American man with a small


African-American is a 21st Century Politically Correct term. If you are going along the lines of PC, go more for a more global approach (or as we say in Venezuela, simply Negro without causing all the problems if an American utters it). Afro descendant might more fitting the UNSC context.

Quote:
Everyone else was your basic bunch of rag-tag marines in battered uniforms, mostly exhausted.


This is a very vague description, with no personality or attributes or even status (weapons, ammo and equipment), better would be to focus on those particular elements than the group it self. The description of Colonel, however, was excellent.

Quote:
Now they would probably survive the landing but get shot at by Covenant ground troops. Vance had never liked the idea of putting his life in the 'hands' of a ship, but right now he was probably going to have to do that.


Here you are telling - not showing the events and places unfolding. Focus on a particular enemy weapon Vance, or his animosity towards ships. Focus on descriptions in situations like these, it will immerse us more in the writing and give us more of a back story on your character.

Also, as more of GPS than anything else, check for slight errors like this:

Quote:
'Don't worry about that,' Dras said. Dras was surprised, but then he wasn't surprised at the same time as well.


These redundancies affect your story.

This was overall a good piece, though there is vast room for improvement. Keep things up.
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