HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Amethyst part 5 - Echoes
Posted by kr142616 (kr142616@aim.com)
19 June 2008, 8:58 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=kr1426160619082058021.html

UNSC Trooper · Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:01 pm Post subject:

This seemed like a good continuation to Impend. And I also liked the Elite scenes.

But there were a bunch of GPS errors in the last part where the MFR marines find the object. And I'm not sure if you can call a human "it", as you referred frequently to some marines. Even if you haven't established if the individual is a woman or a man, try to refer to him/her in a different way.

This was good overall, 8/10. Wink

kr1 · Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject:

GPS errors? Damn, I thought I caught them all. Embarassed

And I tried to avoid referring to Two as 'it' as much as possible. I thought I had it down to maybe two or three times the whole thing. Thanks, though.

Edit: Curiously, what were the GPS errors? I only noticed one in the second half.

Edit 2: Forgot to mention, thanks to azrael and Arthur for helping me out with proofreading/editing.