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Infiltration of the Infestation Prt5

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:54 pm    Post subject: Infiltration of the Infestation Prt5 Reply with quote

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Infiltration of the Infestation Prt5
Posted by Halochief89 (Halochief89@hotmail.com)
19 June 2008, 4:17 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Halochief890619080417561.html
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This intrigued me somewhat. It looks like you at least took the advice about Code and typing this up in a word processor beforehand. But all the same, there's still a lot of work to be done here, mostly with GPS. If I pointed out all the GPS errors, it would be pointless and repetitive, so I'll use the first couple paragraphs as an example, with errors corrected in red.

You wrote:
089 awoke with a feeling of nausea the stench of the flood stained his visor. Realizing the past few hours we quickly lifted his battle rifle and swung it across the room to see if any enemies had entered. None as he looked at his friends sleep. Arculee was on his side with his sword by his mandibles.


I re wrote:
089 awoke with a feeling of nausea; the slime (stench means smell, which obviously cannot cover your visor) of the Flood stained his visor. Realizing the past few hours (not exactly sure what to do with this one; I know what you're saying but I'm not sure how best to rephrase it) he quickly lifted his battle rifle and swung it across the room to see if any enemies had entered. There were none, he saw, as he looked at his friends sleeping. 'Arculee was on his side, with his sword by his mandibles.


There's a lot lot lot of GPS errors in here; not the sort of things that Word will catch, either. Ultimately, you can't trust computers to be right; better to know what's wrong/right yourself. And the thing is, every GPS mistake makes a separate little detraction from your story. Every single one makes people less and less willing to read it.

I'd review the rest of the story and point out everything else, little inconsistencies and so forth, but it wouldn't be constructive in the least, so I'll just leave you with a piece of advice: You do not have a deadline to meet. Technically, you do, every Friday. But guess what? We're never going to run out of Friday. You have an indefinite amount of time to make everything about your story better. When this Friday rolls around, take a look at Chapter Six. Take another look at it. Then take a third look for sh!ts and giggles. Make sure there are no mistakes; make sure it is a fantastic piece of literature; make sure it is as good as it possibly can be. Next time you submit we'll talk plot, story, etc. Think about it.
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Halochief89
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Joined: 14 Jun 2008
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Location: Spokane WA

PostPosted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you Azathoth, and yeah office 07 isn't really great at spotting some errors, Most of these were written right as I woke up so I was drowzy, but expect part 6 to be more literate and easier to read so GPS isn't in the main problem.
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