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Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 3

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:58 am    Post subject: Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 3 Reply with quote

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Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 3
Posted by Beep (Mbassos@gmail.com)
27 November 2004, 4:35 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=beep.1127040435193.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 6:28 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am very pleased so far...every one of the stories that I've read have been good.

Major improvements, good job. Your starting to get into the swing of things. The descriptions are better, the length is better, it's just all better.

You were missing a lot of commas and periods in your dialogue, watch those. Proof read!

Also, the formatting was good except for the (random?) double spaces. I see the logical location of them in the text, but they're not needed. The only time you need those (double spaces without a horizontal rule [hr]) is when you're not switching chracter(s) and location, but just simply moving forward in time to skip an unnessicary part of the story-line (see my current series to get an idea).

Overall, good job. Remember to keep advancing the plot so we're going somewhere.

-Russ
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 9:31 am    Post subject: Nice Reply with quote

Interesting Story. I only read the second and third one. Is is like Mombassa. Old and new? Well anyways. Great story. Watch for grammer mistakes. I really like it too. Keep writing and enjoy.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I just wrote a great comment, but the system screwed up and didn't post it, so this one might be a little less direct.

Watch that separation. Make sure to use those blank lines how they should be. Singles for short time gaps and character transitions within a group that is in close proximity. Doubles for bigger switched like species in the same area, or slightly longer time gaps. Then hrs for big stuff.
Watch those runons as well. Keep things distinct and well formed so that things flow, but not in all one sentense.
Amp up your details, too. We want a vivid picture of what is going on, not just a basic and general description. Make sure to tell us anything we need to know with those details; setting, environment, character thoughts, character appearance, and so forth.
And always remember to consider everything in a story. You need to convey the plot, get us into characters, get settings right, make things all makse sense. Make sure to consider all this when writing; authoring stuff is no easy task.

Overall, you are improving. Just keep vigilent and continue to work your hardest to improve.
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Beep
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Joined: 27 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the help guys... I'm going to spend lots of time for my next chapter, really nailing the grammar, details, length and plot. You may not see it in awhile, but hopefully it will improved.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 4:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to know you are willing to expend the effort and time to make yourself better. Better still is that you admit to needing improvement. I'll have to keep an eye on you.

"We will be following your career with great interest." -Chancellor Palpatine
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
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Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 10:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I second MCC's post above (minus the whole Star Wars thing, though...)

Also, remember that it's not always the quantity of the times you proof-read, but rather the quality. But in order to attain the latter, you must have decent time breaks in between, so that you're honestly giving it your undevided attention.

Set a deadline date for when you want to see it posted here, and work towards that. Don't let it go on indefinently, but don't push yourself so you surpass the "quality" point.

-Russ
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job. Like I've said, you have a natural, easy style of writing. Now you're starting to improve the little things, and it is looking even better. This is the best of the three. Keep it up.

C.T. Clown
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