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Attack on Installation 06, part 4

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:53 pm    Post subject: Attack on Installation 06, part 4 Reply with quote

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Attack on Installation 06, part 4
Posted by Jake Trommer (wedgefan@comcast.net)
16 June 2008, 5:17 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Jake_Trommer0616081717211.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Jake, I think I remember you from the UNSC Chronicles. Good to see you. Wink

This was good. But there are some faults in your pacing, and character building. I won't get into details, they probably won't help. The only truly constructive advice I can give you is keep writing, writing, and writing again.

You have some nice descriptions of battlefield tactics in the second part, which I love. Other than that, keep in mind what I've told you and you'll be good to go!

Nice. 7/10 Very Happy
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 6:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll second UNSC Trooper. This piece wasn't too shabby, but there were definitely some elements that you could improve. As 'Trooper pointed out, pacing and character building were among them, but I will go into detail for you.

As far as pacing is concerned, what that refers to is the speed at which your story progresses. "Flow" is an addition element of that, but I'll save the one for later. In your story the pace was a bit too fast, in my opinion. Things just passed by very quickly, as you didn't take too much time to go into detail. (That also has to do with character building, but I will get to that in a moment.) To improve that particular element, just slow things down a bit by including more detail. Don't just rush through your paragraphs and tell the reader about what's going on, show the reader through description. Beef up your paragraphs a bit more (one of the first things I noticed when I started into your fic was that there were a lot of small, short paragraphs, and no larger bodies of text; and while you want to avoid block upon block of exposition most of the time, including a few here and there won't hurt your writing). Setting, action, and characters are all parts of a story than can be described.

Speaking of which. Going more in depth about your characters might help you out here. You want to do this not only to help your pace, but also to pull the reader into your story. If you don't take the time to describe your characters and make them seem more real, then the reader is not going to retain interest. Think of it this way: You're making a movie; you can just mention each character and continue on, which would be kind of like presenting a cardboard cut-out of an actor, or you can spend some time here and there introducing and describing your characters in their environments, and that's more like using the real person for the role. An interesting metaphor, perhaps, but I hope you get my point: Present and treat your characters as if they are real people you are writing about, not just anonymous figures.

To sum all that up: You have a lot of dialogue in there, so take some time to break that up with more description. Your piece was on the short side, so doing so will increase the length without you even working farther along the plot line.


Moving on, your use of the Code was very nice. You incorporated it very well into the text, and thus it did not seem out of place, but instead supported the story. That's very good. (As a side note, I noticed you used a triple-asterisk to designate breaks. If you are not aware, there is a BBCode function called a "horizontal rule" that creates such a break cleanly in the text in the form of a horizontal line across the page. To use it, simply use the code "[hr]" in place of those asterisks. It's a nice neat way to include those breaks.) Additionally, I didn't notice many, if any, minor GPS mistakes through your writing, and that's very good as well. Making an assumption, that would mean you did a grand job at proofing your story. Good job there.

Overall, this wasn't bad. As I said, I would advise that the next step you take is learning how to incorporate more detail into your story. That in and of itself will do wonders to improve your writing. In the mean time, keep up the work, and keep up the practice.

Good luck, Jake.
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