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1 phat grunt
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:57 am    Post subject: 1 phat grunt Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

1 phat grunt
Posted by ChiefC42 (raglandchris@yahoo.com)
26 November 2004, 5:14 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=chiefc42.1126040514121.html
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reagan64
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 8:27 pm    Post subject: Chuckles Reply with quote

The Twinkie Defense won't save you now.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad you used basic indents and bolding tags, but before you go on, I'd like you to read a real, Tom Clancy or Robert Ludlum book, and see how formatting is done.

Also, don't contract numbers like that - write them out.

Try again, don't give up, and don't get discouraged.

- Dave.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 2:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Speaking of Tom Clancy, read some of his books to help you with writing.

But all I like to say, "great, another MC story where he saves everyone." Once agian I'm getting tired how the Chief is use over and over again.

But don't stop writing and keep trying. You have a great future ahead of you at HBO. Don't let me down. And don't let Dave down, and maybe someday you'll make his Fridge of Fame.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the first thing that stood out to me was the word "Chief." You repeated it over and over againl using it at the beginning of almost every sentense. Have you ever listened to someone who used a certain prhase or word (ie- you know?, ah, um, like, etc.)? Well, as you know, after a while, that word is all you hear, because is starts to get repedetive and annoying. So, try to fix that. Master Chief Petty Officer John Spartan-117 has a lot of things you can call him by. Not to mention the great "he, him, his", etc.
Watch your grammar and spelling in there. Don't use run-ons or fragments. Also, make sure you use the right word in the right place.
Details, too. You need more details. Learn to describe the world of your story to us; show us all of the details that we need to see. Describe action and suspense, and explain backstory and personality aspects. The reader needs to know this kind of stuff. You, as the writer, need to tell us.
Capitalize proper nouns.
Plot. Work on your plot. I didn't see too much of a point to this entire story. That is not a good thing. Withouta plot to follow, people's minds will get tired and bored of reading your story. You have to keep their attention and present stuff that will encourage them to continue reading.
Make sure that the personalities of main characters are on target. Especially when you are using a prominent (and already developed) personality.

Overall, this was decent, but you need to work on getting thigns interesting and written out well. Just follow our advice, and work your hardest to improve.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 10:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

it was different
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, fragments, the worst thing a writer can write.

Aside from flames and "stuff."

- Dave.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cute, but probably not the best story idea. Try not to be repetitive in referring to your characters. For example, the Master Chief can be called Chief, Spartan 117, soldier, Spartan, or John. Repetition takes your reader out of the story, and, just like talking to someone with a bad lisp, soon all they hear is the repetition. Take a look at how accomplished action writers structure their sentences and emulate them--at least until you develop your own style. And don't forget to proofread. You had a lot of careless spelling errors.

Keep trying. Good writing takes practice.

C.T. Clown
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you all want a diff fanfic, where John doesn't save everyone, read my series. It's gonna end in a (cough). . .bloody. . .(cough) conclusion, which is pretty difficult for me since I can't write thatwell myself. . .

Now, this was very. . .new, differnet. Different ain't bad. . .just. . .different. Yeah, this is just new to me.

http://pwned.nl

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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 7:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Twisted Evil Twisted Evil You wouldn't be advertising your series on somebody else's thread, would you Rabid? Twisted Evil Twisted Evil

Tsk tsk.

C.T. Clown
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Ahh, fragments, the worst thing a writer can write.


Help me! I have a fragment addiction Crying or Very sad It's true.. It's trrruuuuueeeeeeee Crying or Very sad

Very Happy

Quote:
You wouldn't be advertising your series on somebody else's thread, would you Rabid?


Surely not! Advertising your own fics on someone elses thread? Shame on you!

P.S. Don't forget to read and review Master Sushi's latest fic- An Anthology of Thoughts: The Driver:Gunner Ratio:

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mastersushi.1201042118551.html
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very Happy
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 05, 2004 11:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sadly I am. I don't get as much reviews than the others. What other choice do I have besides advertisments from Wu on this section on halo.bungie.org.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 06, 2004 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, ENS, you'll get there. Next peice of work you write, I promise I'll be there.

- Dave.
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HoZ
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 09, 2004 2:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher wrote:
Sadly I am. I don't get as much reviews than the others. What other choice do I have besides advertisments from Wu on this section on halo.bungie.org.


mine got a whole 5 replys so dont feel bad
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