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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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kr1
IRC Channel Operator
Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September
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 Posted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 11:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Just wanted to thank Andres for helping me with editing this, and for giving me the name Marine Force Recon. Next one should be out within a week or two. |
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Andres
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Joined: 03 Jan 2005
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 1:31 am Post subject: |
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kr, this is really good. You really added to the description the way its suposed to be, showing, not telling.
| Quote: | | Bill Walther found himself again on a hill; this time leaned against a tree. Before him he had a clear view of the entire dig site—tents and equipment, dry loose dirt kicked up from months of excavating—and beyond, he could see the tree line of young conifers. No ancient groves on the colonies, he thought idly, his mind wandering to the one time he'd visited Earth. He'd had no time to enjoy his stay there, not during his training. Gonna have to visit another time. |
One observation I have:
| Quote: | The Echo stared pointedly back, and Darin sighed. "So, to the dig site?"
The Echo nodded, and turned away. |
This is a bit redundant, watch specially for these kinds of errors, they tend to bring the whole thing down, though in this case, it doesn't do much damage.
This is great, very well show and tell of the whole overwatch of the position. Great job, 7.5/10. |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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Good stuff, kr. Sorry again for how late this is. By the way, I'll IM my opinion of your next piece soon.
This is an excellent action piece. Very fast paced reading. Even though it was shorty anyway, I got through it in no time. The flow was impeccable, moving along the story very smoothly and, thus, enjoyably. The characterization of Darin, Jeff, and their friendship continues to be excellent and at times a source of amusement. Their journey to find Jeff's hardcore, survivalist-like uncle provides a nice singular thread to follow, which also offers a unique justification for the odd-pairing of the two main characters. All in all, this is a well thought out, expertly crafted narrative.
Great job. Now to the next part! Be in touch soon.
- Arthur |
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