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Dark Mantle, Part One

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri May 30, 2008 2:10 pm    Post subject: Dark Mantle, Part One Reply with quote

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Dark Mantle, Part One
Posted by Cthulhu117 (azathoth117@gmail.com)
29 May 2008, 9:29 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cthulhu1170529082129271.html
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat May 31, 2008 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To all who found this confusing, I'd say read these. It won't explain everything, but it should give you a basic idea what's going on here.
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The 14th Wonder
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Joined: 31 May 2008
Posts: 35
Location: wat

PostPosted: Sun Jun 01, 2008 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent.

The descriptions were all extremely well worded; you have an intelligent vocabulary but not so grandiloquent that I needed to whip out the dictionary.

I also don't think the lack of dialogue detracted in any way; there was enough in the descriptions to get a sense of the main character.

I think the criticism of the piece being confusing wasn't necessarily true as long as you payed close attention. The story makes perfect sense assuming the Suppressor is Forerunner. I could be completely wrong on that point but it seems to fit.

Overall, very well done.
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Let me say off the bat that I have absolutely no technical complaints. This was, as far as I could tell, technically flawless. Indentation and block paragraphing combined with good use of Code and immaculate GPS. Talk about readability.

Now to the meat. This was a really great piece. First of all, I love the setting: there was a lot to those terminals, and I don't think they've been used too much by the community yet. Secondly, you have a good style. It's very descriptive, well-paced, and flows effortlessly. Flow is a problem that comes up a lot, but it wasn't an issue here. The narrative was very well crafted.

My favorite thing about this piece, though, were the details. This was chock full of them. From the description and concept of the supressor, to the mixed feelings about the Mantle (almost like a religious schism), to the attempted duplication of (presumably Precursor) machines, to the Forerunner style glassing... this wasn't a long piece, but it was dense with detail. You're creating a completely unique world here. I got the feeling a lot of thought went into this... combined with the perfect GPS, it's clear this was something you took your time with.

Great job. Hope you get some more reviews.

- Arthur
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Sat Jun 07, 2008 12:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was one of my favorite submissions in a long time. It's the first story of yours I've read, too, I believe, so it's an excellent first impression. Very Happy

This didn't confuse me in the least. I only have the most basic knowledge of the Terminals' backstory, and I did fine. Like Arthur said, I didn't see any GPS errors, and like The 14th Wonder said, the sparse dialogue didn't detract from the story at all. Even if neither of those were the case, this would be great if only because it's set in an era almost completely unexplored, by us fanfic writers or otherwise. It's a vast amount of untapped potential, and so far you're doing a great job with it.

And I loved this line:

Quote:
Across the one thousand and first battlefield,...


Great work. I'm looking forwards to the next one. Wink
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