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Wicked!

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 2:56 am    Post subject: Wicked! Reply with quote

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Wicked!
Posted by Solidus Snake (chikornx@aol.com)
25 November 2004, 3:59 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=solidus_snak.1125040359522.html
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Solidus Snake
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Location: A dying Metal Community

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not as good as the first, but I hope you like it.
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Tue Nov 30, 2004 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Solidus has a unique writing style - it's quite incredible when you think of it - he does a special first/third person perspective - each perspective enhancing and strengthening the other.

And the ending is like a death knell (Knell - the bell that rings out when someone dies) it hits you like a hammer - just when you feel like it's going to rise again...

it falls.


The Ending was dramatic, to say the least, but Solidus, it would sound ten times better if we could have witnessed the phantom being brought down.

A few grammatical errors, and the "Till" ticks me off, but for the most part, this is great.

- Dave.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you.

And yeah, I was reading over my story for myself and I feel that I should've explained more about the Phantom crash. I mean, I pictured the burning Longsword crashing into the hanger followed by a large explosion. That seemed wicked. I should've done something like that with the Phantom to make it more wicked.

I'll keep stuff like that in mind next time and thank you for your comment.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 2:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anyone else?
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap, you are awesome. There were a few spelling and grammatical errors but otherwise it was awesome. You rock.
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Wed Dec 01, 2004 11:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was pretty cool.

I didn't read the first. Didn't know it was part of a series, so I was kinda confused at first.

But you made MC die! Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad Crying or Very sad
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SYSTEM
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey. Solidus, I was sitting in English Class, reading Macbeth, making notes on the murder of Duncan and why Shakespeare never showed the actual death, and it hit me.

Let's write a play for Theatre, I've had TONS of experience in acting and Drama for Theatre!

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Only if I get a part, Dave.

Anyway, about that wicked story.
Well, your beginning was a little rough. It sounded more like an explenation than a prologue-ish narrative description. Just didn't flow right. So, no worries, just smooth things out a bit.
Also, you switched tenses quite a few times in there. Off; it was simply off.
Further, when you describe stuff like him killing the guy with the knife, add more detail but make sure not to get too repedetive. You repeated a couple terms which just took away from the feel that you were giving it.
It was an interesting ending, but, still. Things went by too fast and things just plain stopped at the end; like it didn't really matter.

Overall, it was pretty good, but, you still have to practice story writing skills. Still, I'd like to see where you can go with a little bit of improvement. Keep working for us.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 12:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks to all that commented.

Nick, the MC dying is just me having fun.

Dave, sure why not. But how will we pull it off? I like in the States you live in Canada. Unless you are talking about a script we can write up for here in Halo Terms.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 03, 2004 7:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm. I like dark stories, but they need a certain flavor to draw me in. This one seemed to lack something. It's one thing to show a warped maniac leave bodies in his wake as he rushes towards death, and another to show his mind as he does it. You showed a little bit of that, but not enough for me to feel his motivation. If I don't understand why he is doing it, then it is just violence. I know a writer has hit the mark when I unwittingly begin to sympathize with someone that nobody should EVER sympathize with (like the character "Bill" in Kill Bill). I never had that with this guy. Get me inside his brain. Show me his twisted, sick rationale.

That is a bit of a challenge, but it is also a lot of fun to write. I didn't like this one much, but with a few tweaks I might have. Still, a daring fic to write, and I have a soft spot for writers who break the rules.

C.T. Clown
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