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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston
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 Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 8:12 am Post subject: |
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Honorable Mention, Fic Pick of the Week.
Keep it up, I'm enjoying your stuff. |
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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This was quite good. I enjoyed the substance overall, but there was some problems with the narrative. The first instance of this issue became almost immediately apparent:
| Quote: | Joe settled into the chair usually sat in by the Captain, when he was on the bridge at least for now, he was in command.
Meanwhile, the Captain was on his way towards his personal quarters, his sole aim being to spend the next few hours having a nice, refreshing sleep. |
In the opening paragraph you abruptly switch perspectives from what turns out to be a nothing character to the main character. This was unnecessary and served only to confuse. The subsequent drifting in and out of sleep wasn't too bad as a narrative device but perhaps could have been woven in a little more effectively.
Finally, some of the sentences were run-on or cumbersome:
| Quote: | | The first spike managed to penetrate the thin visor protecting the leader's face, adding the visor as scrapnel to tear into her face before the spiker round caved in what remained, the other four spikes in the burst raking her from chest to thigh. The remaining two members of the ODST team who had entered the room, found their leader whipped back by this hail of spikes, being shielded by her body long enough for them to dive behind a set of wooden crates, providing concealment from the brutes. |
Break it up a bit and you'll be fine.
Before you think I'm just highlighting the negative, let me say I genuinely enjoyed this. The scenes with the AI were unique and intriguing, but the action really stood out. This passage in particular impressed me:
| Quote: | | He shrugged the familiar shape of the MA5B free from its sling and pulled it to his shoulder, racking the bolt and giving the magazine a slap to ensure it was seated before he pulled the trigger. Click went the weapon, not bang. Each time he pulled the trigger, he only received that hollow, empty click. Then his thumb brushed the side of a small ridge beside the weapon's grip, it slid forward and locked into position. Again his finger squeezed the trigger. The MA5B thumped back into his shoulder, a single 7.62 round released from its casing and violently propelled towards an unfortunate grunt. |
Very nice. This was action I could enjoy reading.
Is this going to be a series? It doesn't come up as such.
Anyway, good work. And congrats on the Honorable Mention.
- Arthur |
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Quick technical notice: when a semiautomatic or full automatic weapon has its safety on, the trigger will not budge, period. No click, just no movement of the trigger. Same thing if the magazine is empty. Talk to someone knowledgeable about guns for a half hour or so, it'll do you good when writing about them. |
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 9:27 am Post subject: |
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| Phædrus wrote: | | Quick technical notice: when a semiautomatic or full automatic weapon has its safety on, the trigger will not budge, period. No click, just no movement of the trigger. Same thing if the magazine is empty. Talk to someone knowledgeable about guns for a half hour or so, it'll do you good when writing about them. |
Exactly. If a weapon "clicks" like the firing pin has been released and the expected result had been gunfire; one of two things has happened. A) A round was not seated in the breach at the time of firing or B) the bullet's primer failed to ignite.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
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Useful Dave
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Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 13
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:26 pm Post subject: |
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| Arthur Wellesley wrote: | | This was quite good. I enjoyed the substance overall, but there was some problems with the narrative. The first instance of this issue became almost immediately apparent <cut> |
Maybe the perspective switch was abit confusing, just felt like a change from starting directly with the character. I also do run-on with my sentances a fair bit, just don't really have an idea of where to stop with them at times. Its also not in a series because, all it is is an idea put into a short story, the characters will definately feature in another though.
| Phædrus wrote: | | Quick technical notice: when a semiautomatic or full automatic weapon has its safety on, the trigger will not budge <cut> |
That may be true, but its abit harder to find someone knowledgable about weapons than you may think in the UK.
Edited by Dave: Cut your quotes |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Useful Dave wrote: |
That may be true, but its abit harder to find someone knowledgable about weapons than you may think in the UK. |
Cut your quotes. Board nettiquette. I'll cut them for you this time so you'll know.
This is the Internet. Here on the Internet, a quick google search will usually bring up a few information sources you can use for quick reference, or you can ask a few people around here for general information that you can't find elsewhere, people such as myelf, Phae, or Fall. We'll be able to help you out, and don't be afraid to ask. Just remember to do your homework, there's a lot of gun myths, keyboard commandos, and bullshitters on the 'net.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Phædrus
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Joined: 13 Sep 2004
Posts: 957
Location: Southern California
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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Well, Dave (Useful Dave, that is  ), I'd be glad to assist. I may not be uber-knowledgeable about modern military weapons and such, but I do have a general knowledge of most types of firearms, and unlike most "experts" you meet on the internet, I target-shoot on a semi-regular basis, so I've actually had some experience. Your average chairsofter (chair airsofter) could rattle off pages about the M1 Garand, but chances are he's never fired one. My dad owns one, and I've put about 300 rounds through it. There are also some finicky details that many "websperts" don't bother to learn. I doubt many chairsofters could tell you the difference between 9mm Parabellum and 9mm Makarov, or between a centerfire cartridge and a Berdan primed cartridge!
So if you have any questions about guns, just send me a PM and I'll do my best to answer. |
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fallschirmjager
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Joined: 24 Sep 2004
Posts: 262
Location: The girls bathroom.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 9:54 am Post subject: |
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Or give us a bell.
I shoot competition Skeet, Field and Game and Full Bore. I'm hoping to take up hand gun shooting in about twelve months and I do a lot of firearm analytical work as a hobby. So if Phædrus can't help you, I'll be around.
_________________
We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.
Will you keep my secrets hope to die? |
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.
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| Posted: Fri Jun 06, 2008 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Useful Dave wrote: | | That may be true, but its abit harder to find someone knowledgable about weapons than you may think in the UK. |
Never thought I'd say this...but if you're at all familiar with the *chan subculture, 4chan /k/ are pretty good at answering firearm-related questions. Problem is, they're all douchebags, and half of them are chairsofters. But a decent amount of them are "lol i will overtrhow teh governmets here are all my guns" people who know their way around firearms.
As it's a *chan, obviously NWS. And don't ask about the Ma.Te.Ba M6 Unica Autorevolver unless you want to get trolled out of the park. |
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