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K7-49

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 12:58 pm    Post subject: K7-49 Reply with quote

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K7-49
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
22 May 2008, 4:44 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper0522081644471.html
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 7:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow.

You caught my attention pretty easily, and at the beginning it really seemed like you were ripping off Band of Brothers, but then it got interesting, and when the ending came, I was very much hooked. I was Robert fighting off the Elites, I was Jane trying to survive her wounds.

Great job, Troopa. Great job.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Fri May 23, 2008 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Skimmed through it and it's too long to read in one sitting. I'll get to reading this weekend, though, Trooper.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 8:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Gallagher. Very Happy Oh and, sorry for the length Kr1, I've been working on this one for about three weeks now ... after countless edits.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 11:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, it's no problem. I just didn't have the time at the moment. I've got plenty now, though, so I'll get to it.
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 12:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, I knew that name was familiar. I just couldn't remember off the top of my head.

To start, Arthur is dead-on in the Into Shadow comments. You have a bit of a tendancy for odd word choice. I've got a suggestion here that works for me: use relatively simple words. Don't use big, overly descriptive words unless it's the perfect word for what you're describing.

You forget to put in a break when you switch POVs in this, too, again, like in Into Shadow, although it's not nearly as obvious.

I like Ackerson's characterization. He's usually portrayed as a heartless black ops guy, and you've humanized him a bit. Parangoski, on the other hand, seems odd. She's supposed to be cold, intelligent, no bullshit. She's the type of person I could never picture laughing. If anything, I'd see her and Rich's opinions reversed.

I liked the camaraderie you had between the Spartans, especially between Wolfpack and Juliet Squads. And despite knowing that there was no way they'd live, I started thinking that the Spartans might make it of for a bit.

So, overall, pretty good, Trooper.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah crap! The MA5K is a carbine, not an assault rifle. Should have known, they look different, but Nylund frequently switched from MA5B to MA5K in his description of the K7-49 mission in Ghosts of Onyx. No wonder I mixed them up.

Darn it. And there's no way to edit this. Sad
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kr1
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

And they switched from SMGs to MA5Ks. Razz Little mistake, though, and I would've forgotten about it if you hadn't mentioned it.
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UNSC Trooper
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PostPosted: Tue May 27, 2008 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exactly, first he mentioned SMGs, then he mentioned MA5B's, and then he mentioned MA5K's. Surely this has to be some kind of mistake, but seeing as how the Spartans got trapped on the asteroid for 7 days, it would make sense that Robert would have picked up an MA5K meanwhile. Though I was really confused when I proofread it.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed May 28, 2008 8:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fic Pick of the Week! Nicely done!
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