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Fall of New Mombasa Part 6

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri May 16, 2008 3:34 pm    Post subject: Fall of New Mombasa Part 6 Reply with quote

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Fall of New Mombasa Part 6
Posted by Havoc 101 (syrtisminor@gmail.com)
16 May 2008, 3:06 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Havoc_1010516080306031.html
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fallschirmjager
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PostPosted: Sat May 17, 2008 8:51 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I dunno, mate. This needs a lot of work.

I find your descriptions lacking, like you're always in a hurry to get to the next scene. You have plenty of opportunities to engage the reader with dramatic details and events but you choose to skip right over them and get to the next shootout.

Secondly, your characters - namely your Marines - are portrayed too much as supermen. They cut down countless enemies without breaking a sweat. You need to expand on your characters, as cool as it may seem thinking about scenes and picturing them to yourself, not everyone wants to read about firefights and the Covenant-Human war or at least not all the time.

You really need to proofread your work too, there were a few blatantly obvious errors that could all have been fixed by a thorough proofread.

But don't take this the wrong way, mate; you've got the potential to be a writer, you just need to work at it more. Read more, take note of how other authors describe and build up their scenes.

Just keep posting, mate, we'll always be here to help you out.
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Sun May 18, 2008 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good, Havoc. I liked your storyline, but like schirm said, there were some parts that could have been fixed with a simple proofread. Besides those things, this was the only thing I had a problem with.
Quote:
Author's Note: Retre doesn't know it yet, but these are actually closed forerunner structures featured in Halo 3. I'd make it more specific, but I don't want to put any spoilers in it. To help you out, this is the structure in the E3 trailer for Halo 3, and in the last cutscene of "The Storm" in Halo 3. The cool thing is that you can actually see these structures on the bottom of Halo in Halo: Combat Evolved, on the main menu.

You could probably have done something different here. Most people aren't going to be spoiled by something like this.
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