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Into Shadow: Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:33 am    Post subject: Into Shadow: Prologue Reply with quote

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Into Shadow: Prologue
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
24 April 2008, 7:56 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper0424081956431.html
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
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Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 11:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just as a note, this is the prologue for a project Kr1 and I are working on.

I'm really unhappy as to how this piece turned out, so don't hesitate to criticize it as harshly as you want. If you want that is ...
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I liked it. I loved the imagery, and in the end I liked that as well: I didn't know if the General was going to make it, or maybe one of his children gets axed, but that didn't happen: Harrison saved the day.

I hope this project gets the attention it deserves, Troopa.
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks. Well, I at least managed to get something right.

Me and Kr1 are in the staging period right now, and we have yet to write the first chapter. School's being a pain the ass for both of us, so our pace is really slow.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 12:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My apologies to both of you for this outrageously late review. I can only offer that excuse which has become all too common: I've been busy.

To the review: good lord, quite a piece. Quite long and very involved, a lot going on. There was a very nice building of the tension as the Helljumpers scoped the site before all hell broke loose. The action, when it came, was very well done too. It was a nice break with the typical battlefield action and went the course of an almost police action, clearing rooms of a dilapidated mansion strewn with bodies.

I really could picture the scene, which highlights this piece's greatest strength: the physical imagery. The prose was replete with water trickling down surfaces and light reflecting in the night. Fantastic stuff, it really put the reader there. One such example, which captured both the physical imagery and the excellent setting of the story:

Quote:
The stench of countless generations gone by engulfed the place like an annoying residue of cigarette smoke choking a first time visitor.


Very nice.

My only complaint would be the occasional odd word choice. I pulled a couple examples to illustrate what I mean:

Quote:
extracting his combat knife from the back of his belt and cutting through the monitors' sleazy wires.


Sleazy? Technically it could be used, but it's not really fitting in the context. "Shoddy" or "worn," perhaps?

Quote:
Move up to the first floor," he said demandingly


Better just to use "demanded" instead of "said demandingly."

A few others I don't remember, too. Always be careful to choose the word which fits best.

Other than that, great. Good action, emotion, and imagery; all round a great introductory piece. I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next.

- Arthur
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Sat May 24, 2008 8:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey thanks, Arthur! Geez, this is encouraging, considering I wasn't satisfied with this particular piece.

Yeah, I have a tendency to use "improper" adjectives, like "sleazy". I guess this goes way back from 6th grade for me, when I had to write a story involving a World War II soldier, and I was always afraid to use the same words over and over again, so I improvised ... badly. Sad
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