HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Pitch Black Chapter One
Posted by Havoc 101 (syrtisminor@gmail.com)
22 March 2008, 5:00 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Havoc_1010322081700111.html

fallschirmjager · Posted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:57 am Post subject:

I don't know if to take this seriously or not. Sure there is some elements of good storytelling there but when you referred to Bob choosing his armour, all I could think about was some HALO3 kiddie changing his avatar.

It just didn't sound very professional, it really seems you need to proof read a lot more. Some mistakes didn't make sense at all and weren't just a simple missing letter or sorts.

However the dialogue seemed to flow very nice and it is obvious you have a nice grasp with the canonical knowledge of HALO. And the story being set after the Human-Covenant has my interests.

Also just some technical things Night Vision does work in pitch black environments. I know everyone thinks they only "amplify light" most models these days have Infra Red transmitters that allow vision in complete darkness. But for the purpose of your story I see you are going for the complete darkness fear factor.

With what you said about the shotgun "sending rounds out faster" that has nothing to do with the actual firearm. It is the ammunition that has the drastic effect on velocity.

As for the assault rifle, the assault rifle from the original HALO and HALO3 are two different weapons, so you could just say "Bob" was using an older MA5B rather than the newer MA5C.

Regardless I think with a bit more work you could have a nice story on your hands and I will definitely read your next chapters. I promise.
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We lie beneath the stars at night, our hands gripping each other tight.

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Commander Valois · Member Joined: 27 Oct 2007 Posts: 51

I saw a few out of place commas and grammar, but nothing big. Also, I noticed that you mentioned Star-Trek in there, ok for a fan-fic but I don't think those people know what Star-Trek is.
Another thing that really got at me, was the fucking Great Wall o' Text you got there. After every paragraph or when you change speakers and whatnot, always type in [indent] to separate them.

Nice.
~7.6/10~
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I have not been here in hella long time.