HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Executor's Task
Posted by Zanzibaked (some_dope@hotmail.com)
23 November 2004, 5:55 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zanzibaked.1123040555331.html

Phædrus · Posted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 10:42 pm Post subject:

This sounds like it's going to be great. This relatively simple plot introduction sounds like it's going to blossom into something greater than all of the rest of the crap in this section. This had better be good. I want to see it reach the upper levels of the writing hierarchy... In other words: don't make it suck like 90% of the stuff here does. OK? Good. There were a few spelling and gramatical errors but otherwise it wasn't too bad.
9/10

SYSTEM · Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:37 am Post subject:

I've gotta say that the Fan Fiction place is climbing once again!

Some Coding would be appreciated, but you're doing quite well. Remember to proofread, and include more detail. But you're well ahead of the game. Remember, we can't see your plot and settings yet, be sure to make those clear next one.

Good Luck.

- Dave

Post Script - I hope the next one will be out soon, but take your time. Enjoy writing, and have a few friends read it over before you continue.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 2:51 am Post subject:

Nice job for your first fic. Maybe HBO Fan Fiction is coming into another Golden Age? I really hope so, that would make me so happy to see so many good writers with a great future here at HBO. This was good to, kept simple enough for the reader to follow with no problem. But other than that, use the Sacred Code of HBO. Just click on the Use for Directions link in my sig or fan fic submition forum. And it is always a good idea, no matter how good you are to have some kind of editor.

Keep up the great work and good luck.

Welcome to HBO.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 2:52 am Post subject:

Hah, I got it backwards, Directions for Use is what its called.

'Nosolee · Member Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 73 Location: Manhattan

That would be so great, a second golden age of HBOFF, almost like the summer of '03.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 5:30 pm Post subject:

Can I get a hell yeah?

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 11:52 pm Post subject:

First of all guys, I think that the Golden Age is coming, very very soon. We will pass down this tale onto our children, and our children to their children. None of us will be left behind!

But, to the story, I thought it was excellent. First, I orginally thought that you confused the Arbiter with the Executor, from Starcraft. But you got a huge plot that no one has invested on. I liked it
_________________

"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

SYSTEM · Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:31 am Post subject:

My fridge door will be quite full in a matter of time. I don't have enough magnets to go around.

For those of you who wonder, "What does a fridge door have to do with fiction?"

Well, the ficks I like get printed off and stuck on the Fridge Door of Fame. The ficks I really like get printed off and read out loud before I go to bed.

So, if your fick makes the "Dave's Fridge Door award," you've got the braggin' rights!

- Dave.

Post Script - Since I don't have enough magnets, perhaps I should keep an online list. *SIGH*
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Solidus Snake · Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 8:42 am Post subject:

Did I ever make it? And that's not a bad idea. Mind if steal it?

Nick Kang · Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:38 pm Post subject:

That was awesome. You matched the Prophet's personality flawlessly, using complicated words. Please don't screw this up.

Another Golden Age? I wasn't around for the first, so I only hope I can contribute to the next one.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Golden age? I think that I actually arived at the end of the last one. Hmm. Perhaps I will be part of another. It is a nice thought.

Now, the first thing that I noticed you could have used was the Code. It would just help with a smoother, better formatted look to things. And, as you should know, the better you format and make your story look, the easier and more enjoyable that story will be.
As for your plot; very nice. You set down a situation that will provide a fair amount of action for you to write about. However. the way you did it leaves soem things to be decided. Perhaps the nearest and most obvious climax would be when the MC and this Elite of yours meet, but make sure to have much more than that, or things will get old really fast. But, I'm sure you have something in mind, knowing how H2 went.

Now for your writing. It was pretty good. Your dialogue was nearly dead on. It matched the profile of the Prophet and a good Elite well.
But, you still have a couple things to work on. Flow, for one. Make sure that, out of dialogue, all of your words (details and everything else) flows together smoothly so that it is a good read for the eye. Smooth the rough spots out and what not.
And while you're at it, add some more detail in there. What you were doing there was okay, but it was more on the side of telling us about your story than showing us your story. Describe and explain things more. If you think it necissary, get inside the head of your main character a little more. Give us some brief bits of their past. Or, describe the setting and characters more physically. Just let us in on all of the little bits that put us in the action or non-action. Give it some emotion.

Overall, it seemed to me kinda like a prologue, but not written like one. Almost like it was somewhere inbetween. Fix that. Make sure that you have a defined writing style and then stick to what works best for you.
Watch that grammar and spelling, also. Keep practicing and working your hardest.
_________________
-MCC

russ687 · Posted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 11:06 pm Post subject:

Good job, even though you didn't use the Code. My first series (A long one at that), had the same formatting as yours, so it's not nessicarily a bad thing (it's still easy to read) but stepping up to the Code certiantly helps. But overall, nothing for me to complain about.

The writing was good, only one mistake by my count; excellent job. This is one of the few stories current that I am excited about reading the enxt part.

-Russ

Zofinda · Posted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 4:04 am Post subject:

Hi there, this is my first post on HBO but ive been a reader of all FanFic
since the release of the first Halo...im not sure why i waited this long to
post but anyway....

Great story, it sure would be nice to see another "Golden Age" -I
remember the great series and even some poems we used to get on here-keep it up Zanzibaked
9/10

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Dec 02, 2004 4:21 am Post subject:

I almost didn't look at this one, but I'm glad I changed my mind. Use of the code would make everyone happier (as you can see).

Let's start a drive to send magnets to Dave