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Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 2

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:55 am    Post subject: Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 2 Reply with quote

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Welcome to Shatella - Chapter 2
Posted by Beep (MBassos@gmail.com)
22 November 2004, 9:34 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=beep.1122040934412.html
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That "Sarge" fellow sounds squared away; I like him.

Your writing is still good, the descriptions are good, but it moved along way too fast. That fact also goes in line with the length of your story, so consider putting a little more effort into making it longer.

You also have a noticable problem with capatilzing certain words, such as Covenant, Pelican, Sarge (or Sergeant), etc. Names and Ranks are alwasy capatilized.

Otherwsie, it was good. Short, but good.

Keep it coming.

-Russ
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 1:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some errors, some grammatical problems, and some areas aren't detailed enough, but you're doing REALLY well, Beep. Really. I see you've found the keys to your potential well before you came to HBO.

Keep going, Beep.

I think I've found the next 343 Salty Beans! My search is over!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Beep
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Joined: 27 Aug 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 3:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the help guys.. I'll keep working on it.
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good. You're doing well!

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
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Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Sat Nov 27, 2004 8:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You have smooth writing, and naturally good pacing. Like I said about your first fic, you have an easy, fluid writing style. I have to say, it is very easy to read.

Like your first fic, this one doesn't get very far. Each of your two stories covers only a few minutes. That is not the way to suck someone into your story. It is like focusing in waaaay too close on a map: it might look nice, but it's hard to tell where you are. If you only take a baby-step each story, it is hard for the reader to follow the direction you are going.

Also, take some time to tighten your writing a bit. Read it over a bunch of times. I just submitted a story of about 2000 words, and I probably went over it twenty times. I found at least one error every time but the last. You're a good writer, so don't let the reader's attention be diverted by careless mistakes.

All in all, another good job. I hope you stick around.

C.T. Clown
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 6:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beep, Chuckles, consider yourselves on the "Dave's Fridge door of Fame" award list.

- Dave.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon Nov 29, 2004 12:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Gah! I've seen that whole awards thing in like every post! Damn!

Phew. Okay.

Anyway. On to the story.
Yeah, watch those small mistakes. Make sure to use punctuation and words how they should be. And yes, proofread as much as you need to. Each time you should be able to find something to make better. Also, don't just rely on your own eyes to go over stuff. Have a friend, more than one hopefully, go over it at least once (depending on how much he/she likes you). Heck, someone like Dave would be happy to do that kind of thing. Me, I don't have time for it, not to say I don't want to.

Now, I noticed that this read through really fast. I found a few things realted to the read that you should work on.
Flow. Make sure that your sentenses aren't stark and clipped. Also, make sure that you have all of your details and just general words flowing together. Things need to be smooth to the eye.
Details. Your detail level was good, but could have been improved. Make sure to give us descriptions and explenations when and how we need them to make us understand what is going on, and also to hold our interest and give us a better picture of the situation and setting.

Watch your realism there, too. I don't think that a Hunter could blast a Pelican in two. It would take a big pounding or a lot of blasts to do that.


Overall, it was good. Not just the normal draw that I read here. You seem to have a good start. Just keep working hard to improve and you may well become the next 343 Salty Beans (aka- some random newbie who doens't begin with much talent but then proves to improve fast and produce good work). Keep it up.
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