HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Squad 47 Part 8

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:03 pm    Post subject: Squad 47 Part 8 Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Squad 47 Part 8
Posted by Spartan 006 (minorchief@yahoo.com)
29 February 2008, 2:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0060229080227521.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a lot better than the original draft you sent me. Right now, though, you need to work a lot on grammatical issues, particularly those involving dialogue. You have a bit of cases where you're telling rather than showing, the worst being right when the Spartans meet Peterson. Again, though, you've got a lot less of this than you originally did.

Now this is something I feel stupid for not noticing before, but in the novels, a big deal is made of the fact that Halsey knows all the Spartans by name. She's one of the few that does, and the only one adresses them as such. I'm not sure if you explained this in an earlier part, though, because I understand that these were supposed to be a newer class of
Spartans. Anyways, I should've caught that way earlier.

Overall, though, this is a solid entry. It's not great, but by no means bad. It suffers a lot from it being a setup to some other major part of the story, something I've noticed happening with a few writers here, and there's really not too much you can do to fix that. Anyways, I'll be watching for the next part.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Spartan006
Member


Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks kr, it wouldn't have been worse without your help.
kr-1426 wrote:
Now this is something I feel stupid for not noticing before, but in the novels, a big deal is made of the fact that Halsey knows all the Spartans by name. She's one of the few that does, and the only one adresses them as such. I'm not sure if you explained this in an earlier part, though, because I understand that these were supposed to be a newer class of
Spartans. Anyways, I should've caught that way earlier.

Did you just want to mention that or did I miss something? If you're talking about my earlier stories, I tend to try and forget them. They weren't that great. I think I would be able to write better from a Marine POV, but I really want to finish this series before I start on something new.
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spartan006 wrote:
Thanks kr, it wouldn't have been worse without your help.
kr-1426 wrote:
Now this is something I feel stupid for not noticing before, but in the novels, a big deal is made of the fact that Halsey knows all the Spartans by name. She's one of the few that does, and the only one adresses them as such. I'm not sure if you explained this in an earlier part, though, because I understand that these were supposed to be a newer class of
Spartans. Anyways, I should've caught that way earlier.

Did you just want to mention that or did I miss something? If you're talking about my earlier stories, I tend to try and forget them. They weren't that great. I think I would be able to write better from a Marine POV, but I really want to finish this series before I start on something new.


Sorry, shoul've been clearer there. You have Peterson referring to the Spartans by their names, at least mentally. Maybe aloud, too, but I can't remember off the top of my head. If it was just mentally, though, you could chalk it up as third person omniscient POV. It's not a huge issue, though, and there are a few ways to explain it away.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Spartan006
Member


Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

When he spoke to them he referred to them by their numbers. Their names were used in the narrative part because I figured it would be easier on the readers since their numbers weren't used much.
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
kr1
IRC Channel Operator


Joined: 27 Feb 2007
Posts: 436
Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spartan006 wrote:
When he spoke to them he referred to them by their numbers. Their names were used in the narrative part because I figured it would be easier on the readers since their numbers weren't used much.


Alright, then just third person omniscient.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group