HBO Fan Fiction

[hboff]

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Squad 47 Part 8
Posted by Spartan 006 (minorchief@yahoo.com)
29 February 2008, 2:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Spartan_0060229080227521.html

[kr1]

This is a lot better than the original draft you sent me. Right now, though, you need to work a lot on grammatical issues, particularly those involving dialogue. You have a bit of cases where you're telling rather than showing, the worst being right when the Spartans meet Peterson. Again, though, you've got a lot less of this than you originally did.

Now this is something I feel stupid for not noticing before, but in the novels, a big deal is made of the fact that Halsey knows all the Spartans by name. She's one of the few that does, and the only one adresses them as such. I'm not sure if you explained this in an earlier part, though, because I understand that these were supposed to be a newer class of
Spartans. Anyways, I should've caught that way earlier.

Overall, though, this is a solid entry. It's not great, but by no means bad. It suffers a lot from it being a setup to some other major part of the story, something I've noticed happening with a few writers here, and there's really not too much you can do to fix that. Anyways, I'll be watching for the next part.

[Spartan006]

Thanks kr, it wouldn't have been worse without your help.

[kr1]

[Spartan006]

When he spoke to them he referred to them by their numbers. Their names were used in the narrative part because I figured it would be easier on the readers since their numbers weren't used much.
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Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006.

[kr1]