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A General's Tale -- Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:03 pm    Post subject: A General's Tale -- Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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A General's Tale -- Chapter 1
Posted by The Meep (HaloFanatic101@yahoo.com)
28 February 2008, 11:19 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Meep0228082319421.html
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 4:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand some of you anticipated this after I posted the Prologue (which took me completely surprise), and I apologize for it being over a month late. I probably could've polished a little more, but frankly, I just wanted it off my hard drive. I knew this Chapter would be hard; it's the middle child, set between the action.

Looking over it, I realize I should've split it into two Chapters, for convenience. Refer to the previous frank statement.

Now is when I'm supposed to spew the list of reasons that created my delay: life, work, school, blah, blah, blah... You know the rest. ;)

Well, anyways, enjoy it! I am strongly attempting to fall into a fixed pattern of writing. Next installment is already mostly written, so it should be out next update.

Please leave comments!

~I~
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one Meep. I was a little confused at first, but quickly caught myself back up to speed with what was going on. I only noticed one thing wrong in the entire story.
The Meep wrote:
sweaty hands clasped in the small of his back

Besides that I didn't see anything wrong with it. Keep it up. 9/10
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kr1
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Joined: 27 Feb 2007
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Location: UNSC Frigate September

PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work again. This is a series I'm watching. I like Navrez's conflict, and his justification, and I'm interested to see where you go with the sergeant in the beginning. I'm always happy when someone uses a smaller-caliber sniper rifle, too, because the 14.5mm S2 AM being used for everything bugs me. Oh, and a cliffhanger. Fun. Smile

Now, to some things that I didn't like so much. The first is the use of parentheses in fiction. It just breaks up the flow, and with a little adjustment commas would work just as well. Then, there was the switching of POVs. I'm just not very fond of third person omniscient, where the narrator knows everything, over third person limited. Plus, switching character POVs without a break can be jarring. Besides those, there were a few typos, and that's really it.

Oh, and out of curiosity, why did you choose bold rather than italics? And is Wayward Traveler a ship? It almost sounds like you were describing a larger protocol used throughout the UNSC.
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

kr-1426 wrote:
Oh, and out of curiosity, why did you choose bold rather than italics? And is Wayward Traveler a ship? It almost sounds like you were describing a larger protocol used throughout the UNSC.


The bold thing... I was thinking bold would have more impact than italics. Like raising your voice while italics is stressing.

UNSC Wayward Traveller is a protocol, like UNSC Bloody Arrow from GoO (which is where I got the idea). Though, now that you mention it, it would be a good name for a ship... *devil eyes*

~I~
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kr1
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 10:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is that how it's written in GoO? It seems unnecessarily comfusing being so similar to how a ship's name is written. Anyways, you could always say it's named after the ship that enacted it if you like it as a name. Wink
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wasn't confused by the italics at all.

Wow Meep this was really good. While I have never gotten into reading any of your stories, Az's review drew me here.

Talk about emotion! Navrez's emotional struggle is palpable inside that tac room and you can just tell that everyone is feeling the stress from him. Leon's interaction with the general is spot on.

I could go on for a while but you get the idea.

P.S I hope you keep perspective on that sniper too. He seems to be in an interesting situation and it would be great to see the effects of Navrez's decisions.
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