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In Death's Grey Land -- Section III

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:25 pm    Post subject: In Death's Grey Land -- Section III Reply with quote

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In Death's Grey Land -- Section III
Posted by J. D. Ford (fordyman@comcast.net)
20 February 2008, 3:32 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=J._D._Ford0220080332161.html
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh boy...more on this after I get through it, but you're always in for a treat when "In Death's Grey Land" ends up on the digital shelf.
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have a problem with this story.

When I read it (And I stopped after Kim shook Leonidas' hand), I had no fucking idea what was going on. I seriously had to stop reading and think. I'm thinking about going back, and I think there's parts of the story that I have to go back and re-read, but even still in sequels and other parts of stories on HBOFF I can see where things and threads connect into a web of a cohesive plot. This story, to me, looked like someone took various action movie plots and slapped them together and tried to make it stick with rubber cement. I am going to re-read it, and attempt to understand what's going on, but right now I think the plot is terrible. Effing. terrible.

But, the language and the details and the emotion, so far, is the fucking saving grace! I swear, JD, you have a knack for letting ideas and images and things soar high into people's minds. This story, 5/10, right now, because of the plot.

Am I right? This is just a part of the story? Please tell me, because I don't want that to stick. You're a good writer.
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm. That's not exactly the kind of response I expected. I mean, I'm sure it has its flaws (I know it has flaws)...but 'effing terrible'? Heh.

Have you read Sections I and II? If not, I could understand why this would seem a bit haggard compared to other standalone stories here. Reading Section III by itself is really like beginning a novel halfway through, near the peak of the action. Kind of hard to do, since you've had no introduction to characters or plot/subplot.

Really, that's the only thing I can think to ask, because I'm not sure how to reconcile the feedback I got before posting it and this.


~J. D. Ford
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kr1
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have to completely disagree with you, Gallagher. This series takes some paying attention to, but I think it's excellent. Part of the problem probably stems from the fact that J.D. has formatted more like a novel than separate, almost self-contained parts like a lot of us do. And I have to say, he's done a good job of capturing the feel of the novels, and an excellent job of tying together interesting bits of canon.

Now, as to this section particularly, I didn't enjoy as much as the previous two. It's something that seems to happen a lot with submissions that lead into an important event in a story. It's fairly obvious things are being set up, be it Leonidas' men and 'Karnamee's meeting, or more of an explanation of the Wellspring. Which, by the way, I'm interested to hear more about the next time around. Anyways, this leading-up problem, I find there's often little you can do about it, but it only suffers a little.

The interaction between Halsey and Brade at the beginning was done well, and I enjoyed the following scene. It's good to see that even Spartans can be taken done by human brute force, and it shows your character's still only human, despite his enhancements.

There were only two real complaints I had. At one point, I believe it was when the Spartans and Echo team were boarding the Longswoard, you switched from Leonidas' point of view to Maria's, no break or anything, and it was very jarring. The other thing was the use of the acronym CTU. Typically it means Counterterrorism Unit, and that just threw me a little because I missed the explanation on my first read-through. Too late now, but using the an acronym that's already commonly used can throw people off a bit.

Anyways, you've got a solid series so far, with some very interesting characters. How many more are after this? Three, or just one? I can't remember.
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Two. That's the plan, anyway.

CTU wasn't my idea; I found that tidbit on Halopedia. You were probably expecting Jack Baur to show up, neh?

Razz

While it may not be canon (and Halopedia isn't, in many cases), I wanted to keep a little consistency, and something that's established is better than nothing at all, IMO.

You're definitely right about that scene at the landing pad...I actually seem to have written that from a 3PO standpoint, rather than 3PL like the rest of the story. A minor inconsistency, but one I'll have to look out for in the future.

Thanks for the comments.


~J. D. Ford
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 4:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay. I thought it was standalone. Nevermind. Story's good. I said t'was terrible because the plot seemed to be mashed together, but now that I've taken the time to read the other two sections (SWEET JESUS THEY'RE LONG!) I have to say J.D, wow. I really like what's going here. Not only do you describe the details, you do it so....imagely. I can see images in images, and it's like a damn movie in my head sometimes.

Good job, my fellow author. Good job. [puts up 10.00 placard]

And sorry about the first comment, again. Kinda pulled a dee-dee-de there.
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

No need to apologize. Yes, it is one story arc (and written from that perspective), but I also need to consider how well sections read as individual pieces of writing. That's my problem, not yours.

In any case...glad you enjoyed the other two sections. I really do appreciate the effort it takes to read them (mainly because it took me a lot longer than that to write, edit, proofread, and rewrite).

Again, thanks for the feedback and encouragement.


~J. D. Ford
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 06, 2008 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since you prefer to take 'what works' first instead of just 'what doesn't,' I'll get straight to that part: You do an excellent job of keeping the dialogue natural-sounding and keep the pace at which the dialogue is carried out steady and at a comfortable rate, and I like how you've avoided the 'stand-there-and-talk' effect by having the dialogue separated out by narration and the actions of the characters, such as smiling, nodding, gesturing, or otherwise moving, which makes them genuinely seem like they are standing in the rain and having a little-less-than-small talk. I especially like the way you've done this. It adds a whole new dimension to your dialogue and although I usually don't like to comment until I have a lot to add, I just had to come out and say that, right off the bat. Even if you decide to change your style later on, I'm going to suggest wholeheartedly keeping this method of doing your dialogue. It already works very well.

I have to confess I haven't been following the series as closely as I would have liked to. I will have to put further commentary aside, for another time. But I will get onto this, I've got quite a few things to say, just not enough time to say them.

Quote:
"I honor the dead, Admiral. You tally them."

An excellent line.
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