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Daylight No More: Another Day Under A Black Sun

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 8:25 pm    Post subject: Daylight No More: Another Day Under A Black Sun Reply with quote

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Daylight No More: Another Day Under A Black Sun
Posted by X Weary Gunner X (lmarvin@comcast.net)
16 February 2008, 2:11 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=X_Weary_Gunn0216081411151.html
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J. D. Ford
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Joined: 20 Sep 2007
Posts: 75
Location: Los Angeles, CA

PostPosted: Tue Feb 26, 2008 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not bad.

I think you're greatest stumbling block at the moment is a rather loose grasp of ideal sentence structure. Plus a very lax use of commas.

Example:

Quote:
He awoke sitting in the passenger seat of a car, but not any car it was Jenny's car.


This is your first line. It must be strong to give the reader a good starting point. A solid foundation for the passages to follow. The first half is okay. The second is like two separate thoughts smashed together aimlessly. You need to separate those thoughts, either with punctuation or with new sentences. I'd put an ellipsis between the second use of 'car' and 'it.' It would solve that particular problem. But do you see why it was a problem in the first place? People don't think like that, and it's very hard to read a sentence like that. Here's another (albeit a smaller one):

Quote:
"Damn." said Grinder. "Sir if we continue our way down this maitnence hall to the end of the tunnel we might get a connection.


Don't need that period after 'Damn,' since you're finishing the sentence with 'said Grinder.' Furthermore, you really should have a comma after 'Sir'...the line is written with an implied pause or beat in the flow of the dialogue. Without a comma there it feels awkward. Finally, you forgot to close off the dialogue with your quotation marks. The only time you can get away with that is if the character speaking continues to do so in a new paragraph. And that's a bit old-fashioned these days.

Quote:
This is Delta November calling Base over." he waite for a response.


Put a comma after 'Base.' So it will read: "This is Delta November calling Base, over." See? Not only is that proper structure, but that's how it's intended to be spoken. It sometimes helps to read your dialogue aloud to yourself, to hear the ebb and flow in it. Where there should be pauses, and where it should run 'til the end of the line. The sentence "he waite for a response" is not only mispelled, but also in the wrong tense because you left out that single letter 'd.' I cannot find a better example of the importance of checking your grammar, punctuation, and spelling MANUALLY than this. If you want your story to be read properly and enjoyed by the reader, you must strive for good, consistent spelling.

Trust me on this.

I like this story. You're dialogue is pretty good. Fairly accurate for the characters. You just need to insert words (and complete words) here and there. Like this:

Quote:
The crew sat down and watched the marines pile out and search the area, but suddenly an explosion occured and screams polluted the air soon after.


The completed 'and' would read even better if it were 'to.' The words "but suddenly an explosion occurred and screams polluted the air soon after" just doesn't sound right. We don't think like that or talk like that. Screams do not 'pollute.' They shatter silence, echo searingly, ring in one's ears, and so on. Your description must be true to life and human experience if it is to be believable.

So work on that spelling and sentence structure. Think about how your sentences sound before you accept them and move on. Furthermore, think about how your dialogue sounds. Do you talk like that? Your friends? Your neighbors? Parents? Etc., etc., etc.

Hope some of this helps. Keep writing!


~J. D. Ford
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