HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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A New Fight - Chapter One: Newer Generation
Posted by Zakero-TD (zakerotd@hotmail.com)
9 February 2008, 11:41 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Zakero-TD0209082341561.html

(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher · Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject:

I didn't like the no-use of coding. That made me cringe, because all of this was a wall of text, and you had no real plot in there. Maybe, you should take a look at the other sorts of stories, because you have some sort of talent rushing there.
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"My appreciation for being quoted is being masked by my distaste for your incompetence, Gallagher" - Shrumertaor
Idea, Plot, Character, and Forum Signatures

Elysion · Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 3:41 pm Post subject:

Plot is key. The writing style was decent, definitely not the worst I've seen, but the stylistic errors I'd be willing to overlook I felt there was something past it. Unfortunately, without a plot, it just sounds like a transcript of a Xbox Live match - morons and all.

For a first effort, acceptable. But there are a few serious flaws you need to address:

1) Characterization - I could live with your characters being jerks, but they are shallow jerks. Why are they so rude to everyone?

2)Plot - Why are they fighting this disorganized battle? Why is there no battle plan, no reason for fighting? SPARTANs are killing machines, but they make plans and carry them out. The only reason they would be running around in this XBL-style, yeah-we're-all-the-same-color-but-it's-every-man-for-himself melee would be if they were really caught off guard.

3)Niggling little details like spelling and grammar - Spell checkers are your friends. Take advantage of them, but double-check them yourself. They won't catch a misspelling if it's a real word like "shear."

Of course, it's just my two cents.