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Maze Infection: Surviving the Inefection

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 11:26 am    Post subject: Maze Infection: Surviving the Inefection Reply with quote

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Maze Infection: Surviving the Inefection
Posted by Z11
3 February 2008, 7:49 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Z110203080749541.html
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thing I want to address is the fact that whenever the speaker changes you start a new paragraph. I don't see why we need to keep telling everybody this, it's simple grammar.

Pretty much in your story the guys are just running through shooting Flood-infected spartans. There is no character develpoment in your story. I know the same amount of stuff about Z11 and X55 when I started that I did when I finished. Character development is one of the keys of good writing. Go read a good book before writing again and look at how character development is used.

I'm sorry if I seem to be harsh towards your story, but this is the only way to improve. I hope to see improvement in your next story.
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Commander Valois
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Joined: 27 Oct 2007
Posts: 51

PostPosted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 10:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spartan006 wrote:
I'm sorry if I seem to be harsh towards your story, but this is the only way to improve.


Actually, being an ass to other people's writing isn't the only way. Especially new people writing on our site. We've been trying to figure out new ways to attract people to our site, not make them feel inferior and never come here again.

Now here is an example of constructive critism:

For a first-timer, this is kinda good. There were a few spelling mistakes I noticed in the story, but not enough to have an impact on the action. I had a hard time figuring out who was speaking, so new paragraphs, as Spartan006 said, are a must. But aside from the minor flaws around this, the only thing I didn't enjoy about it was that it was too short. I know it said "to be continued," but it doesn't hurt to add two or three hundred more words to help the stories' plot-line and events etc.


-Can't wait to see more.
~CV~
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Azathoth
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Joined: 22 Nov 2005
Posts: 578
Location: South Africa. Fooken creatshas.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2008 12:14 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah come on, that wasn't even that harsh of him. It would have been harsh if he had said "OMGLOLOLOLOLOL U CANT WRITE HAHA GTFO NUB." Everything he said was true, accurate and fair, if a little curt.

Here's what I say (and I use a bit of jargon here, so check this page if you need any definitions):

The first thing I noticed was that your name and your main character's name are one and the same. That's a bit of a bad sign IMO. While not necessarily a blow to the story, and Chuckles (one of the best writers here) has pulled it off very well indeed, it can denote Mary Sue Syndrome, as well as a bit of a wish-fulfillment problem.

The second thing I noticed was that you chose to open in medias res: jumping straight into the story without any introductory statements. Again, while not necessarily a bad thing, this is difficult to pull off, and you didn't really hit the mark with this. We are told about a personage by the name of Z11. No information on who or even what he is (at first). We are told that he is running, and that he turns a corner and keeps running. We assume that he is running away from something, as horrible screams are behind him, and that the rest of his team is no doubt dead. We are then told that he collapses from exhaustion. "Hordes" of infected Spartans are said to be after him, leading us to question where these Spartans came from, since there are no hordes of Spartan-IIs. We then are told that he is rescued by a Spartan in CQB armor. He passes out. Okay. So what?

Questions, that's what. There are way, way too many questions remaining to be asked after this opening paragraph. Who is Z11? What species is Z11? Why is he called Z11? Why is he running exactly? Where is he running? What sort of place is he in? Who are his team? How is he running? Is he tiredly jogging as his adrenaline rush slowly dies away, or is he sprinting with a strength born of desperation? Why is there a Spartan in CQB armor there? Why are there any Spartans there at all, especially infected ones?

The first paragraph of a story should, in my opinion, raise one question alone. It should be a question that the story proceeds to answer.

But the story answers few of these questions. Instead, it just falls into a confusing pile of unformatted text. I could nitpick about every little mistake you made in the whole rest of your story, but you get the point.
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