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Horror: Reality

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:10 pm    Post subject: Horror: Reality Reply with quote

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Horror: Reality
Posted by Andres (andres_vera2000@yahoo.com)
1 February 2008, 10:11 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Andres0201081011141.html

Dave's sidenote: Alright, I edited the title on the comment page. Unfortuantely there's nothing I can do about the story page itself.
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Andres
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aw, crap. I screwed up the name, no justification. Its supposed to be called Horror: Reality.
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow dude, I have to say that this was intense. You built up the action nicely from start to finish and you ended it with a cliffhanger. Most impressive. I kinda figured that you screwed up on the title, but very nicely done otherwise. No noticeable GPS errors i could see.

I personally liked the description about the beast's eyes, and how they were like headlights of an oncoming train. Very Happy

Just to clarify though, since I was a tad bit confused, was the beast some form of Flood or something else entirely?
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Andres
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PostPosted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was not some form of Food, it was the Brute.

And thanks for the review, I personally liked that analogy of the headlights. BTW what exactly did you find confusing?
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You answered my question on the confusion on whether it was a Flood form or something else? god, im retarded not to have catch that
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
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PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good Andres. This was a nice piece, replete with action and delivered in a very readable style. You did well by describing the horrific scenes of war, especially with the human-alien dynamic. The interaction between the Marines was very believable and fitting, though more impressive were the Covenant scenes. I liked your portrayal of the Brutes. It remained in keeping with Canon, but you added a little something new as well. The relationship between Maurus and Yap-Ye was particularly good. It was something I'd never thought of before. The Grunt seemed to fill the role of a Roman slave in a way.

This was plotted, as far as I could tell, essentially as one continuous scene. This is not always easy to pull off, especially when you have to make action consistently interesting. You did it, though. It remained pretty compelling throughout.

Unfortunately, I wasn't quite able to understand the why. The Covenant and the UNSC are fighting, but why? And where? Is there any importance to this battle? There wasn't much context here, just a battle scene.

Maybe the why isn't important, for instance if you were simply trying to convey the horror of war in the abstract. Fair enough. But if that was the case, I think you should have focused more particularly on one or two of your characters. It jumped about a lot. I wasn't given the time to really feel for any of the characters. And I can only feel sad for a death so many times. It happened so frequently in this piece that I became dulled to it.

Finally, I wasn't sure about some of the word choices you had, particularly in the descriptive bits:

Quote:
"Negative," replied Ricardo as another burst exited the muzzle of his long rifle, two slugs hitting the right side of the chest of the little puke, falling wounded on the ground.


Quote:
...the small, chubby and clumsy creatures stereotyped their way across the open terrain...


Quote:
...those damned Brute Shots, he looks like a blender.


Quote:
A devastated human town, the bloodied, mutilated cadavers of his fellow men around him, unarmed and a pray for a devil.


Sometimes they seemed to be going for comedy, which undermined the "horror" theme. And sometimes they were just downright unusual.

All this aside, this was a very enjoyable fic, and kept me entertained right through. Great job.

- Arthur
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Andres
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Arthur,

Thanks for the review! I'll try to respond as best as I can to your comments:

Quote:
Unfortunately, I wasn't quite able to understand the why.


At this point I thought it to be irrelevant to the whole plot. Though, in all fairness, a bit of "strategic" stance on the battlefield, something I should had anticipated.

It won't affect the main idea of the story, but it should had been a nice addition.

Quote:
Quote:
"Negative," replied Ricardo as another burst exited the muzzle of his long rifle, two slugs hitting the right side of the chest of the little puke, falling wounded on the ground.


Meant as an insult.

Quote:
Quote:
...the small, chubby and clumsy creatures stereotyped their way across the open terrain...


Must be a distortion as I translate Spanish into English in my mind.

Quote:
Quote:
A devastated human town, the bloodied, mutilated cadavers of his fellow men around him, unarmed and a pray for a devil.


Unless I'm mistaken, a cadaver is a corpse.

Quote:
All this aside, this was a very enjoyable fic, and kept me entertained right through. Great job.


Thanks Arthur.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Meant as an insult.


It shouldn't be in the narrative, though, at least not the narrative you had. This had a very serious tone throughout, except here and certain other places where it seemed very peculiar. Better to have said, "Stupid little puke, Maurus thought" or "'I got the little puke'" Maurus grunted. In the narrative, it just didn't fit, at least not for me.

Quote:
Unless I'm mistaken, a cadaver is a corpse.


Technically, yes, but it isn't fitting. It is typically a scientific term; a cadaver usually refers to a body in a morgue, especially one that is going to undergo an autopsy. It's sort of like saying "The cumulonimbuses overhead were looking threatening." It's just not very literary. Best to say "corpse" instead of "cadaver" and "cloud" instead of "cumulonimbus."

- Arthur
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Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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J. D. Ford
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I enjoyed this. There were some structural problems, and GPS elements that I stumbled across, but I think the others have covered them as well as (or better than) I could. The two I found most problematic have already been addressed in my reply to your PM.

Keep writing.


~J. D. Ford
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