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Ripples in a Lake

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:10 pm    Post subject: Ripples in a Lake Reply with quote

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Ripples in a Lake
Posted by The Meep (HaloFanatic101@yahoo.com)
1 February 2008, 5:50 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=The_Meep0201080550271.html
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Andres
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome storyline! A kid 117? His parents?

This is pretty creative. I would like, however, for you to try showing, not telling, what is happening.
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the comment!

And ya, I remember being told that a lot around the time I wrote this up. Rereading it, I suppose I should have processed it a bit instead of submitting a raw copy of the original document.

Man, my writing sucked back then! XD

~I~
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kr1
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PostPosted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 6:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This wasn't a bad story, especially from when you started out writing. You say it sucks, but it's a pretty solid piece. It's not bad, but not spectacular. Only saw one typo, and it looked like you cut off a bit of one of the first couple paragraphs. The only thing that really bugs me is the author's note. That's the kind of stuff that'd be better suited for an opening post, but that's just me. Anyways, looking forward to you getting around to posting A General's Tale.
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not as picky as one Mr Russ (MIA) was on author's notes in the story, but it is typically not conventional here. The part which irked me, I'm afraid, is the message of the note: that the story sucked. If you really think that, you probably shouldn't post it. But certainly don't write it to people reading it on their free time.

I read it anyway because it was quite short. Indeed, it did not suck; I thought it was pretty good. The introduction was atmospheric and set the story well; its inferred integration with the middle part of the text was very good. The concluding scene with Dr Halsey worked well to wrap it up and confirm the reader's suspicions about what was going on. Overall, a solid short piece.

You showed some nice style, too. The "nothing moved," "everything resumed motion" bit worked well as a little stylized touch.

This puzzled me, though:

Quote:
The black figures split up, encircling a small, unremarkable house, the one behind the malfunctioning lamp. Then... they dissapeared. One minute. Two minutes. Nothing disturbed the


What happened there?

Anyway, as I said, it was a pretty good piece.

- Arthur
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:43 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Arthur. About the author's note... I just wanted to make sure people knew this wasn't my normal quality piece now-a-days, and I didn't want to dent whatever reputation I might have going here, however small it is.

As for the quote... Well, the black figures were some kind of covert team, like NavSpecWar, working for the SPARTAN program under Halsey. The way I saw it, the team kidnapped John-117 (the limp body they carry from the house) leaving the John you see later in the story in his place. I was trying to get the hang of exposition at the time, trying to get my meaning across without directly saying it. Guess I was a little too obscure though. :/

Thanks for the comment.

P.S. Glad to say that A General's Tale is finally getting started. Now that life is slower again, and that I actually have a solid intro (seventh time's the charm...), it's coming along quite nicely.

~I~
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 1:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Thanks Arthur. About the author's note... I just wanted to make sure people knew this wasn't my normal quality piece now-a-days, and I didn't want to dent whatever reputation I might have going here, however small it is.


I should also have mentioned it's convention to post author's notes in the comments page rather than the text itself.

Quote:
As for the quote... Well, the black figures were some kind of covert team, like NavSpecWar, working for the SPARTAN program under Halsey. The way I saw it, the team kidnapped John-117 (the limp body they carry from the house) leaving the John you see later in the story in his place. I was trying to get the hang of exposition at the time, trying to get my meaning across without directly saying it. Guess I was a little too obscure though. :/


No, no, I got that, don't worry. If you look at the original text, though, that passage ends in mid-sentence.

- Arthur
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Last edited by Arthur Wellesley on Wed Feb 06, 2008 3:00 am; edited 1 time in total
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The Meep
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PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

O... Right, heh. I'm actually not sure why it does that. It's supposed to say "Nothing disturbed the dark, silent stillness" or something to that extent.

:/

~I~
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