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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada
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 Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:49 pm Post subject: |
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Is it just me, or is this community as dead as Neville's planet?
Great additions to the series, Mainevent. I was wondering how much the movie would influence the plot, and with these installments, you've definitely crafted your own completely unique story. The introduction of the teenagers was well done and offered an abundance of development points. In fact, much of "Smoldering Ashes" was, in fact, exposition, but it was integrated smoothly, and the story was compelling and original enough to make it an exciting read.
I really quite like your style; typically shorter sentences which say all they need too. There are few if any superfluous descriptive passages. Now, I really like description, but you stay true to your style consistently and incorporate it well. I get the feeling of the abandoned, flood-infested feeling without you forcing it down my throat. Good job.
A few complaints, though. Firstly, while I hate to harp on about GPS in an internet fan fiction piece, there were a few too many in here to overlook. A couple of spelling mistakes were evident, though more noticeable was missing punctuation.
Also, there were a few times I thought the dialogue could have been incorporated better within the text, most notably:
| Quote: | | Neville turned to face the door, paused, and turned back around. "You've flown to hell. You don't know it yet, but whatever it is you're running from is infinitely better than what you've found. There was nobody at the spaceport for the same reason there was nobody on the road. They're all dead. Well, most of them. Those that aren't dead are Flood, and they come out at night to hunt. My name is Robert Neville, and I was a UNSC virologist working to stop the outbreak here, but I failed. I brought you to a bunker that decontaminated you in purple shit because one day that might save my life, which is to my thinking infinitely more important than yours, and that's why I do it. Personally, I drink too much and have all but given up on stopping them. The only reason I didn't shoot you where you stood today was because I feel somewhere inside of me a bit of humanity that begs me not to; that, and the dogs like you. Now I've been as kind to you as I can be and all I've gotten is guarded responses and something about running from something. So if you won't tell me any more than that I'll tell you two things. Through this door is a dining hall, where in fifteen minutes I will serve dinner. After that I'm putting you into your quarters and we can straighten all of this out tomorrow. If you so much as think another machoistic, irritated thought like the high and mighty persona you've been putting on since you arrived I will show you first hand the horrors I have lived with on a daily basis for three years. Any questions?" |
That was a little clunky. While I sense there was a deliberate effect in mind - that is, overwhelming his guests and thus the reader with this cascade of terrible news - the execution was a bit off. Best to break it up, perhaps offer some reactions, or describe Neville's temperament or actions during this speech.
To end on a positive note, though, this:
| Quote: | | Her hope for a Phoenical rise from the ashes doused just as quickly as they'd started to smolder. |
Was a fantastic line.
Great job, Mainevent. Looking forward to more.
- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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I'm glad you enjoyed it Arthur, and I do agree about this place.
After I submitted it, I read it again and I understand and agree with your judgement. At the time I wrote it and the first re-read I felt it was great. Captured just what I wanted. However, after reading it (unfortunately too late), I caught many of the things you mentioned. |
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Spartan006
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Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 3:04 pm Post subject: |
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Nice one, Main. This is the first story I've had the time to read this week, and I am very pleased and just sorry that I couldn't get to it sooner. Like Arthur said, I thought it was nice how you were able to set the feel for the story without forcing it on us. | Arthur Wellesley wrote: | | Quote: | | Her hope for a Phoenical rise from the ashes doused just as quickly as they'd started to smolder. |
Was a fantastic line.
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Agreed.
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