HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

I AM LEGENDARY: SMOLDERING ASHES

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 1:09 pm    Post subject: I AM LEGENDARY: SMOLDERING ASHES Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

I AM LEGENDARY: SMOLDERING ASHES
Posted by Mainevent
30 January 2008, 5:09 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mainevent0130080509501.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Arthur Wellesley
Member


Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is it just me, or is this community as dead as Neville's planet?

Great additions to the series, Mainevent. I was wondering how much the movie would influence the plot, and with these installments, you've definitely crafted your own completely unique story. The introduction of the teenagers was well done and offered an abundance of development points. In fact, much of "Smoldering Ashes" was, in fact, exposition, but it was integrated smoothly, and the story was compelling and original enough to make it an exciting read.

I really quite like your style; typically shorter sentences which say all they need too. There are few if any superfluous descriptive passages. Now, I really like description, but you stay true to your style consistently and incorporate it well. I get the feeling of the abandoned, flood-infested feeling without you forcing it down my throat. Good job.

A few complaints, though. Firstly, while I hate to harp on about GPS in an internet fan fiction piece, there were a few too many in here to overlook. A couple of spelling mistakes were evident, though more noticeable was missing punctuation.

Also, there were a few times I thought the dialogue could have been incorporated better within the text, most notably:

Quote:
Neville turned to face the door, paused, and turned back around. "You've flown to hell. You don't know it yet, but whatever it is you're running from is infinitely better than what you've found. There was nobody at the spaceport for the same reason there was nobody on the road. They're all dead. Well, most of them. Those that aren't dead are Flood, and they come out at night to hunt. My name is Robert Neville, and I was a UNSC virologist working to stop the outbreak here, but I failed. I brought you to a bunker that decontaminated you in purple shit because one day that might save my life, which is to my thinking infinitely more important than yours, and that's why I do it. Personally, I drink too much and have all but given up on stopping them. The only reason I didn't shoot you where you stood today was because I feel somewhere inside of me a bit of humanity that begs me not to; that, and the dogs like you. Now I've been as kind to you as I can be and all I've gotten is guarded responses and something about running from something. So if you won't tell me any more than that I'll tell you two things. Through this door is a dining hall, where in fifteen minutes I will serve dinner. After that I'm putting you into your quarters and we can straighten all of this out tomorrow. If you so much as think another machoistic, irritated thought like the high and mighty persona you've been putting on since you arrived I will show you first hand the horrors I have lived with on a daily basis for three years. Any questions?"


That was a little clunky. While I sense there was a deliberate effect in mind - that is, overwhelming his guests and thus the reader with this cascade of terrible news - the execution was a bit off. Best to break it up, perhaps offer some reactions, or describe Neville's temperament or actions during this speech.

To end on a positive note, though, this:

Quote:
Her hope for a Phoenical rise from the ashes doused just as quickly as they'd started to smolder.


Was a fantastic line.

Great job, Mainevent. Looking forward to more.

- Arthur
_________________
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever. - Napoleon
Current Project: Vestal Flame. Current Word Count: 27,017
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Mainevent
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 10:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm glad you enjoyed it Arthur, and I do agree about this place.

After I submitted it, I read it again and I understand and agree with your judgement. At the time I wrote it and the first re-read I felt it was great. Captured just what I wanted. However, after reading it (unfortunately too late), I caught many of the things you mentioned.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Spartan006
Member


Joined: 17 Mar 2006
Posts: 366
Location: On the worst internet ever...for real.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 06, 2008 3:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice one, Main. This is the first story I've had the time to read this week, and I am very pleased and just sorry that I couldn't get to it sooner. Like Arthur said, I thought it was nice how you were able to set the feel for the story without forcing it on us.
Arthur Wellesley wrote:
Quote:
Her hope for a Phoenical rise from the ashes doused just as quickly as they'd started to smolder.


Was a fantastic line.
Agreed.
_________________
Randomly invading your fanfiction since 2006.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group