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Long Time Gone Part 26

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 24, 2004 9:54 am    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 26 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 26
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
21 November 2004, 2:29 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.11210402292026.html
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna

PostPosted: Thu Nov 25, 2004 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good, wrenching stuff. Keep it up. It's a reall challenge to keep things interesting when you have as many parts (26?) to the story as you do. It seems to be no challenge for a skilled writer such as yourself, however.

Once agein, keep it comin'!
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SYSTEM
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah! The alarm clock reminds me of myself.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 28, 2004 10:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will say that it was fairly interesting. But, still some stuff you have to work out.
Things moved by a tad too fast in there. Try working on that for us. Add some more details; explenations, descriptions, and what not. Get us into the characters and settings and such more.
For instance, you really could have exfoliated things out and put a lot more emotion into those scenes. Just keep working and fixing stuff.

Overall, it was good, but still a little lacking in material. Watch small mistakes and keep practicing.
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