HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4352

This topic is for posting comments to:

Long Time Gone Part 26
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
21 November 2004, 2:29 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.11210402292026.html

Pajari · Member Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 100 Location: Luna

Good, wrenching stuff. Keep it up. It's a reall challenge to keep things interesting when you have as many parts (26?) to the story as you do. It seems to be no challenge for a skilled writer such as yourself, however.

Once agein, keep it comin'!

SYSTEM · Posted: Fri Nov 26, 2004 1:17 am Post subject:

Hah! The alarm clock reminds me of myself.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I will say that it was fairly interesting. But, still some stuff you have to work out.
Things moved by a tad too fast in there. Try working on that for us. Add some more details; explenations, descriptions, and what not. Get us into the characters and settings and such more.
For instance, you really could have exfoliated things out and put a lot more emotion into those scenes. Just keep working and fixing stuff.

Overall, it was good, but still a little lacking in material. Watch small mistakes and keep practicing.
_________________
-MCC