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You Know My Name: Intermission: Adbridged Lies

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:41 pm    Post subject: You Know My Name: Intermission: Adbridged Lies Reply with quote

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You Know My Name: Intermission: Adbridged Lies
Posted by (ENS) Rabid_Gallagher (rabid_masterchief@hotmail.com)
24 January 2008, 3:26 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=ENS_Rabid_Ga0124081526471.html
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Spartan006
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"I agree, sir. The more and more that bastard pulls on him, the more and more he gains. I say we do a preemptive strike. Assassination, probably"
You have no period! I read no more of this trash!




Sorry, Gallagher...couldn't resist. Anyway, on to the story. I really liked the way you described the events as they unfolded, I was a little lost because this is the first one that I've read, but even with that it was still very enjoyable. As for GPS, that part I quoted was the only thing I noticed. Nice one, 10/10.
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Mad Max
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I can't wait for the final part. This really pulled me in, and honestly, just like Spartan 006 pointed out, that was the only mistake i noticed. I also really like the title for some reason. It just appeals to me.

EDIT: Except I just discovered that in the title, its supposed to be "Abridged Lies", not ADbridged Lies. Embarassed
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Arthur Wellesley
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 8:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just read the series up until this point, so this will cover it all.

I have to say, there were quite a number of technical errors throughout this series, particularly with verb and tense confusion. It became a little distracting at times. I reccomend a little more proofreading.

The series as a whole, however, was quite good. It was very entertaining throughout, with good characterization and solid dialogue. The plot was very interesting, though, with a great many unique touches to the Halo storyline. A good use of established characters, including Ackerson and, of course, the Chief, kept this a compelling piece.

Unfortunately, I thought the interesting plot was hampered by presentation. The myriad elements of this series were kept disparate by a lack of transition. New characters were introduced without setup; going from one chapter to another - even from part to part within the same chapter - was a consistently jarring experience. This chapter was a prime example. It took me a while to get any sort of meaning from it, and even then, I was left somewhat short.

This is a really good series, made so by its interesting concept. But you need to weave it all together more effectively to tell a single narrative. Right now, it seems like I'm reading two or three different stories.

- Arthur
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