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HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Five]

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:41 pm    Post subject: HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Five] Reply with quote

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HALO: Iron Cross [Chapter Five]
Posted by UNSC Trooper (unsctrooper@hotmail.com)
21 January 2008, 8:40 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=UNSC_Trooper0121082040451.html
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Arthur Wellesley
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Joined: 30 Jun 2006
Posts: 306
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Sun Jan 27, 2008 11:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good work, Trooper. I must say, I really enjoyed this, from the nicely selected quote at the beginning right to the thematic final word. You displayed a good writing style and showed an impressive hand at story telling. This piece, like those that preceded it, read very well. Overall, a solid job.

I do agree, however, with Azrael's assessment of the previous chapter which also applies to this one:

Quote:
Some of his descriptions are a bit overly-flowery, if you will. At one point he says, "humid cold," which I did my best to imagine but ended up lost. Trooper is trying and succeeding at points, but sometimes he tries TOO hard.


Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVE description - the more the better, in my books. The problem isn't so much as one of volume as one of kind. There is an overuse of adjectives and adverbs, making the prose a little florid and at times thick. Sprinkle it in with a little more care. If you're wondering if using an adjective in a particular situation is superfluous, assume it is.

Also, I don't know how I feel about these 26th century neo-Fascists. This is 500+ years in the future; even if it is the same rose, call it by another name. Make it neo-Friedens or neo-Koslovics, or even better, something you made up entirely on your own. I just found a group rallying around the ideal of a 500 year old dictator somewhat unusual. The time span gives you ample opportunity to go in a creative, new direction.

This, I suppose, is a matter of opinion. As I said, it was very good overall.

- Arthur
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UNSC Trooper
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Joined: 11 Jul 2007
Posts: 85
Location: Overlooking a rebel hideout from an orbiting UEG patrol frigate.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback Arthur! Well, what I was basically going for here is what you mentioned, a "Neo-Frieden" group, since the Friedens were fascists. However, the group I've protrayed here is actually a subcell of the United Rebel Front, and although they are very similar to the 22nd century Friedens, they work by a different system - more "Covert" if you will, looking to conduct secret operations against the UNSC, as opposed to starting an all-out war like the Friedens did. Wink

And yes, I have some deviations in my description which I'm currently doing my best to overcome. Thanks for the comment! Very Happy
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